


Love Is A Battlefield

by LHismutual



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 1940s, Alternate Universe, Angst, Anxiety, Bottom Louis, England - Freeform, Fluff, Friendship, Gay, Homefront - Freeform, Love, M/M, Nurse - Freeform, Recovery, SOLDIER - Freeform, Shell Shock, Smut, Soldier Harry, Top Harry, Unrequited Love, War, World War Two, civilian Louis, essex, farms, fields, husband, larry - Freeform, mature - Freeform, they kinda share that, versatile larry, wife - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-07-28 07:06:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 32,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7630105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LHismutual/pseuds/LHismutual
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>" If your heart surrenders you'll need me to hold."</p><p> </p><p>AU  England 1940.  Harry is a young soldier who survived the operation dynamo in Dunkirk. Back to England, he meets Helen his designated nurse and her husband Louis Tomlinson. Little did he know that he would have to fight one last time for love is a battlefied.</p><p> </p><p>Fic udapted</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Ok guys I'm super excited!  
> This first chapter is short, ( maybe I'll lengthen it later ) but don't worry the chapters are short but the story in itself is more than enough ;)
> 
> I don't know how far this fic will go but I'd like to dedicate this story to Nadia and Helena, truly awesome girls ♥ I've been inspired by soldier Harry in Dunkirk ( by Christopher Nolan ), WW2 and Pat Benatar song. 
> 
> Please comment/share xx  
> All the love xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you'll like this beginning  
> Lots of love  
> Deana xx

**May 12 th, 1940**

 

**Henry is dead.**

**A letter from the military post service arrived this morning. It said “Dear Mr Louis Tomlinson it is our sad obligation to inform you that your brother, Henry Tomlinson, soldier in the reconnaissance unit of the infantry battalion, was killed in action in the performance of his duty and in the service of his country. The department extends to you its sincerest sympathy in your great loss.”**

**He was 19, he was so young and he died alone, he did not deserve to die. He has always been wiser than I am, probably smarter too. One day he told me that he would support me not matter my true colours, I do not know what he meant but that particular day I realised how lucky I was to have him in my life. After our military services he told me that he would volunteer to be a soldier, I panicked, told him that this war would not last, that the Government had plenty other volunteers, which by time was true, but he would not listen, he was always able to overcome his fears, that was the big difference between me and him, as usual. Maybe he was shot dead by a German louse, maybe a mortar exploded next to him, maybe he was agonizing in a hole, praying for his life, crying in the growing darkness until someone ended his suffering...I do not want to imagine what he endured in the battlefields, I prevent myself from thinking about how he felt out of selfishness, thinking of dead bodies, mortars and bullets makes me want to vomit. I can't stop thinking about Mama and Papa though. What would have they thought about all this? They probably would have been proud but horrified. And what about the war ? Mama was a good doctor she could have been useful. I wish they were here today. She would have cooked and Papa would have told me to straighten my head and be proud of my little brother, that Henry had been very brave, that he deserved to be honoured properly. He would have told me that what is dead may never die and that Henry's body was now where all farmers bodies belonged, returned to the ground. I miss them so much. I am the only Tomlinson left now but I would rather not. If I am writing this it is only because I am employed by the government, I am supervising different farms across Essex, my occupation is said to be 'reserved' which means that my services are exempt from military services. The conscription does not applied to my case. I am 24 and I don't fight in the name of the Allies, at least not on the battlefields. In other words, here in Tiptree, Essex, I am a complete fraud. Most of the men went to war, it is a small town, people know each other, so here, I am Louis the smart boy, the boy lucky enough not to be sent abroad. Some people, especially those who have lost one of their sons are upset to see me free from Hell. Others, know that I am needed here in the home front, and some, by that I am referring to officers, teachers and other government employees are glad to have me by their sides. My wife is very proud of me, she keeps telling everyone that I am participating in the war effort, I may not be a soldier but my management and intellectual skills are needed. Helen, sweet Helen. She turned 22 last month, she is a volunteer trainee in home nursing at an auxiliary hospital nearby. Soldiers pay her to be healed at home, in fact many soldiers do not want to end up in those hospitals nor the military ones. She travels a lot from one home to another, she is just a trainee so she does not have severe cases but one day she will, maybe one day she will be sent abroad. She is very brave. Her mother Mary and her sister Jane are still alive, they live near the school, her father died when she was six, she is an orphan like me. We met in secondary school, no one would talk to her, the other kids would steal her things and mock her red hair, it is very funny because her hair was the reason I fell for her. She has freckles too, a beautiful smile and green eyes. Lately we have been trying to have a son. But something does not work, I do not want to disappoint her. I want her to be happy, I want her to bare life. The longest the war is the tougher our lives get, from now we are safe, but anything could happen, maybe one day the Germans will invade England and we will be doomed. We need something happy to happen, something to hold on to. We will have a son I am sure of it, I will name him Henry in honour of my beloved brother who fought bravely. When the war ends we will have a little girl, Mary, to honour the woman who gave life to the sweetest wife of all.**

 

**I almost forgot, Germany reached the English Channel. The danger is getting closer. I heard on the radio that many troops are still fighting in the lands and along the beaches, English and French troops are united to kill the Enemy. I pray for these men. I hope they will stay strong and face bravely the German troops. I do believe The Empire will win over Hitler, this man is mad. Every morning I turn the radio on and hope to hear some good news, obviously The Government is hiding many pieces of information and it is frightening because one death is already too much. I hope this war will end soon, but now that France has been invaded and Italy is on Germany's side our future is uncertain. I will pray in the name of Liberty tonight. I will pray for Henry too, he is in peace now. I hope he kissed my parents for me when he met them in Heaven. They are probably dining right now, happy and relieved. Maybe they are watching me I hope they are proud of what I have become. One day I will see them again for God is merciful and clement. If I am right five other bachelors volunteered in Tiptree, two are already dead, they were my friends from primary school, Edward and James Winston, brave family, their mother used to cook me pies when I came to visit. Three are still fighting, the brothers of the Richard family, my father hated this family, the father, Mr Simon Richard despised my father because he refused to sell one of his lands so they could build their home, the bourgeois have no consideration for farmers rather they are rich or not. One last kid volunteered but I have never seen him, I think he belongs to the family down Fambridge Road, I cannot remember their name. They are very secretive, I have never heard of them. I will pray for those men too.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is dedicated to Patty :)  
> Please, I need you to spread this fic xx

“I'm not sure it's a good idea darling.” Louis said caressing her cheek, the woman rose her chin, her eyes shining bright.  
“But Louis, he doesn't know anybody in town, he left the hospital yesterday and probably has nothing to eat. No one will bring him foods if we don't.” She was now caressing his chest gently with her palm and displaying her cutest face.  
“It's already late.” Louis rose his eyebrows, he knew her by heart.  
“You'll have to find another argument because it's eight o'clock.” She chuckled.  
“We can't bother people at dinner time.” Louis had run out of arguments.  
“We won't bother him because he has nothing to eat that's why we need to bring him some vegetables.” She smiled proud of herself, she was too witty to loose this battle.  
“Fine.” Louis muttered, he could not resist her.

Helen had a good heart, she would always ease people and help them whoever they were. She would talk to strangers for hours just to get to know them, she would walk around with old people and listen to their stories. She was that kind of person. Nobody could hate her really. In fact she would trust people and that particular part was worrying Louis a lot. Sure she was his nurse but were nurses supposed to be friends with soldiers they would take care of? Were they supposed to go to their places during days off? Louis was not sure of that. Many nurses were on friendly terms with their patients though. Anyway, they did not know the man, Louis had never seen him and Helen saw him probably no more than twice, but she was convinced he was a good man and deserved to be treated with care, the man needed to recover and one of the best method was to bring love to those war machines, “ Save a life and find yours” posters would say... Louis was more sceptical, in fact there were three possible reasons for a soldier to return home, the first one was because the said soldier was dead and his body would be sent home-when it was possible-, the second was deep injuries akin to amputation, recoveries from haemorrhage etcetera and the last reason but not the least meant that the soldier was mad and could not go back to war, psychiatrists called this madness “shell shock”. Louis was concerned about Helen's welfare, the guy could hurt her or worse kill her, she was just a trainee and more importantly she was thin and petite and the guy was probably massive and tall. He could wreck her in a split second, same went for Louis. 

“Thank you love, give me one minute to gather supplies in a basket!” She kissed him softly and rushed to the kitchen. When she came back Louis was waiting on the corridor ready to go, he stood up in front of her and frowned.  
“What is his name again?”  
“Harry Styles.”  
“Why is he here?” He asked with caution.  
“Excuse me?” She chuckled.  
“Why isn't he at the hospital?”  
“Because he chose to pay for a regular nurse.”  
“Does he have a family?”  
“Louis have you got any notion of medical secrecy?” She shook her head and overpassed him, he grabbed her hand gently.  
“How do you know his address?!”  
“The hospital secretary gave it to me, I read his file, I'll be his nurse of course I must know his address.”  
“So you know what his injuries are?” he stated.  
“His house is within a ten-minute walk, let's go.” she winked, opened the door he followed her. 

The couple has been waiting for literally five minutes on the threshold when the soldier opened the door, he was stiffly erect, a hand on the frame the other behind his back. The door left ajar the couple could not see the rest of the house. As Louis guessed, he was tall, his dark hair was short and the guy was probably muscular -because of his loose uniform Louis could not tell. His traits were stretched and the dark circles under his bright green eyes were deep.

“Hello Harry. How are you?” Helen asked softly. The man bent his head to greet her and displayed a tiny smile. Helen smiled back happy to actually not bother him.  
“Helen. What are you doing here?” He looked at Louis, frowned and gave him the most severe look Louis had ever seen in his life, he opened his mouth but Helen replied right back.  
“This is my husband Louis, I've told you about him remember? I- we wanted to offer you goods I thought maybe you wouldn't have time to go to the grocery shop.” He opened the door fully, looked at the basket in Helen's hands, it contained a can of beans, two loaves of bread, three beetroots and some potatoes. It was a small basket but it would content him for the evening. He glared back at Louis and clenched his sharp jaw.  
“Nice to meet you.” He stepped forward, passed the door and extended his hand.  
“Nice to meet you too.” Louis shook his hand and almost gasped, Harry had a strong grip. He noticed several scars on his knuckles and that the man was probably biting his nails. Harry bent his head to thank Helen silently and grabbed the basket, he disappeared for a minute. The couple stood still and sheepishly looked at each other. What were they supposed to do now? They could not enter the house without being invited first, that would not be appropriate plus, Louis was not sure rather he wanted to come in or not. When he came back Louis noticed the tea towel on his left shoulder. The man was about to cook the goods, Louis smiled because as usual Helen had been right.  
“Would you mind dining with me tonight?” The soldier asked uncertain.  
“Sadly enough we cannot” She grabbed his forearm and pressed it gently “ We are dining with my mother and sister tonight. But you could come at our place and dine with us? Saturday, seven o'clock? ” She asked joyfully.  
“It'd be a pleasure.” He replied emotionless, then he took Helen's hand in his and kissed its back. He turned to Louis looked at him straight in the eye and shook his hand firmly.  
“See you on Saturday then!” Helen smiled crinkles by her eyes. Harry nodded.

May 30th 1940 

I woke up earlier today, around four o'clock, I met Mr. Fitzgerald he is one of the numerous representatives of the Ministry of Food , in other words he is an important man. He came and gave me instructions concerning the farms management and the agricultural yield. From now our supplies are enough but the longer the war will last the more we will need to produce. The demand will continue to grow more and more and we know the consequences: less food for the civilians. He also told me that thousands of soldiers would return home soon and reminded me to be diligent. Then I went to check on the different farms across Essex, hopefully my old Rover P1 helped me a lot. My father bought me this car in 1934, it was brand new back then, I was so happy I asked him if I could take Helen for a ride, he said yes, we drove for an hour and stopped to watch the stars. We made love for the first time that night. My father was funny, he used to tell me that cars were like women, they needed to be treated with care and patience. So far so good after six years of good and loyal service it is still functioning. Ironically enough my parents died in a car crash in 1936, their new Rover was completely destroyed same went for our lives. Henry was 15 and orphan, farming and management never had been his thing, I remember struggling to keep him occupied and happy, he was so bored...I was in charge of him from the day I replaced my father and took office until the day he did his military service. I cannot believe he is dead, I keep praying for his well-being on the front and have to remind myself he rests in peace now. I ate with Helen and Mary at noon. The main subject of the conversation was the baby, Mary said women in her family had been very fertile which implicitly meant that I am not. Mary is a great woman but she really wants her daughter to get pregnant and keeps pushing on me. Sorry Madame. After that I was back driving across the fields. Tired is an understatement. PS: Two hours ago I have met Mr. Styles. I think he does not like me, or maybe he was just surprised to see us, I reckon it was already late when we came to his house. That was inappropriate but Helen wanted to see him I cannot tell her no. I think she is eager to start his treatment. Actually she is eager to save another life. Harry is so young, I think he has Henry's age, he may be older but he cannot be more than twenty two of that I am sure. Life is funny, having practically the same age Harry and I have completely different lives, as young as he is he went to war, probably killed more people than I can count and needs a regular nurse and I am here complaining about my mother in law, talking about my car… I have not seen him much, something about him embarrassed me though, I do not know what it was, maybe it was the fact that he looks severe and cherub at the same time and those two traits do not go along, maybe it was because he is cold, maybe it was because he is a blot in the landscape. Helen invited him to dinner, she is too kind. I do not know what am I going to say to him, am I supposed to act like her? She is trying very hard to cheer him up I think. She is smiley and joyful and the guy barely smiles back, sure he kissed her hand but it was out of politeness and he did not seem affected at all. That is bizarre, any soldier would be happy to see a beautiful woman smiling at him, but Helen presented me as her husband so maybe he was just trying to act properly. We will see how dinner goes, I will force Helen to tell me more about him, I do not want to ask questions that will upset him. Maybe we will find a subject of discussion and get along, to be fair as long as we do not talk about pregnancy- because yes the main subject of the supper was Helen's pregnancy, how surprising!- I will be fine. If it goes well and even though he probably does not drink I will offer him to go the bar near the town square and meet my friend Robert, he is a policeman I am sure they will like each other. I will go to bed now, I am so sleepy… If I see Henry in my sleep I will talk to him about this day for sure, he will be able to enlighten me, goodnight brother. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys,  
> I really need you to comment on this fic, I want to improve myself and I can't without your help ♥ 
> 
> I dedicate this chapter to all my mutuals bc they are awesome Larries. 
> 
> Please share,  
> Enjoy, D xx

June 1st 1940 

This dinner was a disaster. I reckon I must give details, I will start again. He came at twenty to eight o'clock, I guess Helen greeted him warmly like she always does. She must have offered him a drink from my personal stock and chitchat with him. I am guessing because I was late, I arrived around ten past eight o'clock. I did not intend to arrive late, I have manners and to be fair I was pretty hungry so of course I would not have delayed myself on purpose. I was supposed to arrive at six to help Helen with the dinner but when I intended to come home the engine of my car broke down, it took me one hour and the help of my secretary to fix it plus another hour to come back home. When I arrived I was a bit upset, I like to fulfil my commitments, I said I would be here...Helen did not seem bothered, she was showing Mr. Styles pictures of me and her when we were children and some of Mister Robins my first dog, absolutely uninteresting but Harry was smiling, I must admit this guy is very polite. Of course I apologized for being late, Helen kissed me like she always does when I come home, with caution though for I had sludge all over my shirt and hands. She had tied her hair with a green ribbon to match her eyes and was wearing a long white dress, she was gorgeous. Harry-still in his uniform- stood up quicker than I had expected, stepped forward, he may have seen my shirt covered with oil but certainly not my hands because he greeted me, he frowned, looked at his hand and pinched his lips. It made me think of a frog. Anyway we walked to the kitchen, washed our hands, I took off my shirt while walking towards the bedroom to find something clean. When I came back Harry was back with Helen, I washed my hands a second time and opened a three-year old bottle of wine, Mama used to say that everyone would love wine if the host was good, I was secretly wishing an opposite case, that I would be a good host because my wine was tasty. We started to eat and I became speechless, Helen told me in the morning “ Just act normal alright? Soldiers need light company not heavy conversations of some political sorts.” No politics, no war related topics, well… Helen saved the dinner and talked about her mother, how good she was, how brave “Mary has faced her first and second husband death and never lost hope” she said proudly. She spoke for twenty minutes. I realised quickly that the man was not of the talkative type. I could not tell why but he was numbed. I thought Family was a good subject of conversation, so when Helen looked me her eyes saying “ Please talk to him I'm running out of stories” I talked about Henry. Soldier Henry. The man started to seem alive again, he was not asking questions, well not explicitly but the more I would talk about soldiering the more his face would light up. So I talked about our military service, about Robert my friend I had met back then, Henry's desire to go abroad and fight, the things he would put in his letters...until I realized I did not even cry, I mean I did not cry when I received the latest letter informing me of his death. I did not. Truth is, I realized he was dead the second he jumped on that train and smiled at me for the last time. I cried a lot that night and drank myself to sleep. Every day Helen would told me “I know he is fine, the war will be over soon and he will come home, find a wife and give you beautiful nephews.” I wanted to trust her but deep down I knew he was doomed, before his departure he told me that returning home alive was not his purpose, that his possible death was part of the game, that he was “on the edge of glory”, enjoying life as long as he could. Being alive at the end of the war would be a reward. I remembered his face, he was smiling, he was not lying and was genuinely serious. My vision became blurry and I heard myself asking “Do you have siblings Harry?” I had been speaking for five minutes but it was time for me to be quiet. His face went blank again. He muttered a no, I could have stopped here, I should have but I wanted him to speak, first because given the fact Helen and I had been speaking for the past twenty five minutes – And I am not including the minutes where Helen and him where together alone- it was fair to say it was his turn, second because I did not want to speak anymore and third, Helen would not tell me anything more about him so why not asking him directly? “Why aren't you staying at your parents' place?” I asked between two bites of the mashed potatoes. He cleared his throat, and stated “They are dead.” We went all silent, he bent his head, finished his plate and wine, poured himself another drink and swallowed it in a row. He stood up, Helen mimicked him, he bent his head forward and said “The supper was excellent Mrs. Tomlinson” “Please call me Helen.” she replied quickly. He continued with something akin to “Would you mind excuse me for my early departure, I am exhausted.” Helen blinked astounded. Hardly had I stood up to shake his hand when he looked at me and nodded “Good night Mr. Tomlinson.”. Helen accompanied him to the front door, I heard her shout “See you on Monday!” That was all. The diner lasted approximately thirty minutes. I joined Helen and asked her if she wanted to finish her plate but she ignored me and silently clean the table. I took some plates went to the kitchen and put them on the sink, I poured a glass of whiskey and attempted to do the dishes, Helen came to the kitchen with the rest of the plates I muttered a sorry and she sighed. So now I am writing this on my diary a cigarette between my lips. A part of me is upset because it is not my role to befriend with a freshly returned soldier. It is her job to take care of him so if she wants to be her friend at the same time she has the right to, I support her but I do not have to be part of anything. It has been less than a week since his return, of course we would bother him, we should have waited. But she told me not to be too inquisitive so she has also the right to be crossed with me, and that upsets me even more. I cannot believe the guy would end up here for no reason, Tiptree is a small town in the middle of nowhere, there are only farmers, tenants and fields here. He could have been sent anywhere else, the nearest auxiliary hospital where Helen works is approximately one hour's drive from here. He could have been sent to hospitals nearer the cost or in Chelmsford or Colchester for example, those are big cities... I must stop being nosey and mind my own business, tomorrow afternoon I will go to his place to apologize. Maybe we will become some sort of acquaintances, if I see him in the streets I will greet him, we will chitchat about the weather – the weather is the only subject you can discuss with literally anybody- and it will be enough. I do not want to upset him, he surely do not need this. I do not want Helen to lose her job. This is silly, I should not be upset it does not matter. Henry if you are watching me I thought everything that I said earlier, you are an amazing brother and Robert says hello. Mama if you are with him I am sorry for the way I behaved, you knew how to host properly, by the way your mashed potatoes recipe never gets old.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> I didn't have time to write chapter 5 but here's chapter 4! I dedicate this one to all the kind and respectful Larries ♥ 
> 
> Don't forget the feedback ;)  
> enjoy xx

“Can I come in? I won't be long.” Louis was standing in Harry's threshold, the soldier in front of him, Louis could not even tell if he was upset, happy or bored for his face was just blank. He was in his usual uniform and Louis was wearing dark blue trousers with a white vest, if we can call it white because it was stained with grass and dirt, in fact Louis would never work on Sundays therefore he had plenty time to tend the garden and take care of the chicken coop. -Gardening was recommended by the government, if every household could grow its own vegetables spot it would free up shipping spaces for war materials and it was cheaper, it was a win-win situation.  
Because of war restrictions Louis was not allowed to keep the eggs but he would get flour in exchange.- The man blinked, opened the door fully and muttered a “come in”. When he walked across the hall Louis noticed the smell first, the air was stifled with smoke, the only piece of furniture-if we can call it a furniture- in the hall was a three-foot plant in a pot. He was not surprised when he entered the sitting room – if we can call it a sitting room- and saw an ashtray full of cigarettes butts on a small tea table. There was a cigarette on its rim still burning. The room was small, and plain. The sunbeams were blocked by heavy black and white squared curtains. There was on the left side a table against the wall with only one chair. Louis glanced at it and saw a radio set, an awful lamp-awful because its material was stained with uneven yellowish marks and its bulb was flickering, which of course, made the whole lamp creepier- and sheets of paper scattered here and there, there was also a cup of tea so Louis figured it certainly was his desk. On the right side there were a worn-out armchair, a massive bookshelf, the said tea table and nothing more. Surprisingly enough the room seemed inhabited even though Harry had arrived no more than a week before, and it was very different from what Louis had pictured in his mind when he came the first time, it was gloomier. Harry walked towards his desk and piled the pieces of paper, then he drew the chair as it came and sat down so as to have its back against his chest, he folded his arms on the top of it. 

“There's only one armchair.” He stated, his voice was deeper than when he dined with the couple. Louis ran his fingers through his quiff and sheepishly sat down.  
“I wish to apologize to you.” Louis said entwining his fingers.  
“Helen told me you would come.” Louis frowned, that answer was unexpected, firstly because the first thing Louis remembered about Harry was his politeness, so the man should have at least said thank you before saying anything else even though he was mad. Secondly because the man looked very disinterested so if Louis had not bothered him why had he left in the middle of an evening meal? Thirdly because he had told Helen to remain silent, he wanted to apologize properly. “She came this morning… I think – I think she likes chitchatting when she cures her patients.” He smiled at Louis. Correction, he smiled while peering at Louis because obviously the man was in another dimension right now, Louis was flabbergasted, the soldier was rather high on medication or... high on medication.  
“She is a sweet girl.” He stated before standing up to grab the cigarette on the edge of the ashtray, the cigarette was half extinguished, Harry sighed, stubbed it out on the ashtray and grabbed his Chesterfield packet. He handed the box to Louis who could not help himself looking at his hand, there were still the cuts but it seemed in better shape, but his nails were so short it must have hurt and he noticed a small bandage around his other hand. Louis brought the cigarette to his lips and handed the packet back to Harry, the man mimicked Louis and rummaged through his pockets to find a lighter, he lit his cigarette. No sooner had Louis thought about asking for the lighter than Harry stepped forward and lit the said cigarette. In the cloud of smoke Louis only saw Harry's green eyes and his pupils increasingly dilated. Louis muttered a thank you, exhaled and smiled.   
“She is the sweetest.” Louis replied while Harry sat back on the chair.  
“I know you now.” the soldier put his head backwards to exhale deeply. Harry peered at Louis who went blank. “Joking.” He followed a tiny minuscule smile in the corners of his mouth. But Louis did not laugh because Helen could disclose Louis' life without an ounce of hesitation, she had mentioned Mister Robins at their very first dinner together after all, things could probably get worse, pretty please Louis thought.   
“What did she tell you?” he breathed out.  
“That you're a business man.” He stated starkly. 

That was not the first adjective Louis would have used to describe his job, because there was more than money at stake but Louis guessed Harry was not completely wrong. Obviously those words were not coming from Helen's mouth because she had known Louis since secondary school, when his father was struggling with all his strengths to move up the last ladder. Louis did not know when his family members started to be at the head of the firm, but he knew for sure that at the beginning the Tomlinsons had been poor farm labourers. Since then, every Tomlinson son had to earn his place within the firm, there was no family privilege, if you were good your father would bequeath his place of chief executive officer to you, if you weren't he would pass it on to a deserving person. Louis' father used to say that this was the best idea their forefathers had ever have, that it would push any heir to “work his ass off”, no joking. Yes, Helen would not have said that, not this way, those were Harry's words and judgement. 

“I guess I am.” He took a long puff and rose his eyebrows but Harry did not seem to care.   
“I reckon your parents are dead. I am sorry for your loss.” He stated dimly, he stopped peering at Louis and turn his head to look at the lamp, his cigarette was still on his lips slowly burning out creating a continuous curls of smoke gradually fading away. His words reminded Louis of the reason he was here.  
“Thank you, I- I didn't offer my condolences last time we met, that was rude. I am sorry for your loss too.”   
“Are you?” Harry replied back with a weird ton.

That was it, they had reached the critical part of any I-am-sorry talk were at least one of the two speakers wants to run away from such level of uneasiness. Louis could not speak in the name of Harry but God knew he wanted to go home now. He put his cigarette on the ashtray and continued “I am sorry if I have upset you. I will leave you now. Thanks for the cigarette.”   
He stood up but Harry was quicker and walked towards the kitchen, he came back with two glasses and a bottle of Rum. “A gift from the food office.” he said showing the bottle, half of its content was already gone.   
“Fight for the Empire and you'll get one of these” he said shaking his head, Louis laughed because yes it was a cold comfort. Harry handed the glass to Louis and poured the drink. “You won't leave without a drink first will you?” But the glass was half-filled already so did Louis really have the choice? Certainly not. Harry swallowed the content of his drink not once but twice, so the rumour was true, soldiers were heavy drinkers. Louis mimicked Harry and swallowed the content of his glass, bad idea, the rum was strong, very strong, needless to say the liquid burnt his throat and chest. 

“Good innit?” Harry asked raising his third drink as if it was some sort of rewards. He seemed back to life, his green eyes was brightening a bit and his voice was livelier, or was alcohol already affecting Louis' understanding?   
“Strong but tasty.” Louis chuckled. Harry muttered some sort of pun but Louis did not catch it, harry followed “You know, my mum used to say “don't pity the dead, pity the living.””  
“That's wise.” Louis' words made Harry snort.   
“That's pessimistic!” Harry said louder than he intended to, he stood up and poured Louis another drink “I agree with the first part, dead is dead right? But why in hell would we have to pity the living?” He stopped his move, the Rum bottle in his right hand and the glass in the other he raised his arms and said out loud “They are alive for Christ sake!”   
Cursing was inappropriate and disrespectful especially when it involved Jesus and when it was Sunday, true, but Louis laughed anyway. 

 

The discussion went on. They talked about being orphans and both agreed it was “shitty” whoever you and your parents might have been. They also talked about how hard it was to grow beetroots, Harry admitted he was bad at gardening, Louis assured him carrots had beneficial effects on bodies and promised him to give some help on Sundays. They talked about Henry, soldiers Harry had met in France and how eager he was to fight again, Helen had told him the delay would not be long, the more Harry would talk about his departure the brightest would be his face. They did not forget to talk about women, Harry told Louis that French nurses were the 'loveliest', Louis blushed thinking about how inexperienced he was compared with the 22-year old soldier- Yes, Louis had been right, Harry was older than Helen by three months. At some point Louis forgot why he had come at Harry's and began to think that maybe they could be friends until Harry would go back to war. They drank and smoke until the soldier decided to open the French windows and realized it was dark.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! 
> 
> This chapter is shorter than usual but Harry ain't talkative you've figured that didn't you? ;) Lots of love to Nadia, uni sucks :( 
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy it! don't forget to give feed back ♥

_We are all deaf. Any man who has survived to the last twelve hours must be deaf by now. We are a small army running away, soldier are talking to each other thanks to gestures and shouts without understanding a damn thing. A small army who does not hear the shells anymore. A small army of ghosts who do not know how to be afraid or sleep anymore. This is what remains left of our souls. It should not have been this way. It should have been a big offensive, that was the plan. A big attack. I thought it was when I saw all these men standing up all at the same time. I believed we would win because I had never seen so many men before. They looked so determined… The big offensive was lead by the enemy. One mile. They won one mile. We had to run for our lives._  
_Bullets are flying, my eardrums are sore it makes me feel dizzy and lost. I turn my head to the right, there are soldiers everywhere, I can't identify friend or foe. Soldiers are dying on the stained sand, some are running before being shot dead. I turn my head to the left and see many men crawling towards the sea but I can't see the little ships. Where are they? They told us they would be here near the shore. The waves are rough. The luckiest men those who have reached the sea are drowning others in the waves to save their own lives. I hear my name I turn my head to the right again. There is only one soldier who does not seem to fight, the man is standing on his feet ready to kill but is waiting for something. It's John, he's telling me something but I cannot hear his words. I try to open my mouth when a bullet catches him just below his jaw and exists out the back of his neck. He falls on the ground, eyes wide open, dead. I attempt to run towards him when I feel a kick in the middle of my back. I fall on the ground head first, my teeth hurt a rock, my gums start bleeding. My mouth tastes like iron and is full of sand. That bloody sand. I am so tired of the sea, I am tired of this bloody smell, that bloody mixture of death seaweeds and salt, I've fought enough on the beaches I'm not going to see more of them. I raise my head to see Joseph, he is in a squat position with one leg bent down and one folded, where is his gun?_  
_My vision gets blurry as the man behind my back is punching me hard. I try to turn over, I hear him shouting words I can't understand, of course he would be German. When I turned over he tries to hit me in the face with his rifle but I succeed in countering his gesture, throw his rifle away and attempt to strangle him. My fingers reach his mouth and he bites me I shout and come closer my moves result in head-butt, my head hurt even more now. I reach his throat and tighten my grip. I try hard to strangle him but my hands do not seem to listen to my will. The guys has crazy eyes and somehow his eyeballs are bleeding. He frowns at me, he tries to pronounce something but he can't talk anymore. I tighten my grip with so much strength it hurts. The man stretch his arms and hands to reach my wrists, he scratches my skin with his nails. My head keeps spinning I don't have any strength left but the guy is not dead yet, he succeeds in escaping my grip and is now searching for his rifle when he seems to find his weapon he turns his head back to me and smiles. I will be dead soon, the war is finally over. The man says something he looks content but before he can kill me he is hit by a bullet between his two eyes. Parts of his head and brain land on my face._  
_Before I can realize what is happening his blood is flowing on my neck and chest, it's warm...I almost smile at the comfort. His body is heavier than ever, that happens when you're dead. Your body is just heavier. I want to push him, I need to move...My whole body feels numb. I close my eyes… I am hit again, this time by Joseph ' Get up!' he shouts. He drags me near the sea the only thing I can hear is his moans, moving my body must be so hard..I try to tell him to let me on this damn beach but my mouth remains shut. He puts me against a large piece of wood which serves as a barricade, he opens my shirt and I read a 'shit' on his lips, I do not understand what is going on until I touch my belly and a warm liquid runs down my fingers. Blood. I do not feel a thing anymore. I should breathe. This is what I must do, 'just breathe' I would say to any soldier shouting because of pain, ' Just breathe, I'm here, don't make it worse and breathe.' How many soldiers have been told that few minutes before they died? They die in a split second. You can tell that they are dead by the way their muscles clench one last time. There is no need to be a doctor to know that. I know how things work, I will stay here a few more minutes watching Joseph struggling to do something with what remains of myself._  
_I still have enough strength to be scared. Soon I'll be dead, I'll reach the final step. I do not want to die, all of a sudden I realise that I would be ready to fight in the war again and endure even worse just to be alive. I realise I am dying and there is no way out, it hits me and my instincts outweigh the words I have been told, I am not a machine anymore, death is not buried somewhere in my mind like I have been taught, it is right there. I do not want to die. I am cold and scared and the more time passes the blurrier is my vision, there is nothing but darkness now. I cannot breathe anymore._

June 2sd

Another nightmare. This time I was on the beach with Joseph and John. Poor John, he's always the first to die in my sleep. I know for a fact that he was evacuated too, he must be sleeping right now. I hope he is. How is his wife? I hope she's taking care of him, he deserves that. Brave John, he saved my life twice. The first time we were on the forest, we were running away and I feel, my leg was not broken but I could not walk, John dragged me until we reach our battalion. Second time a man tried to drown me just before I could jump on a little boat, he jumped out of it to save my life again. When I thanked him he said ' shut up and duck brother!' as if nothing had happened. I owe it all to him.  
Joseph was alive though, at least I got to see his face one last time – until the next nightmare. He was my best mate and the brother I had never had. I met him as soon as I came to France, he had been there before and was speaking French almost fluently. We had some good time with the French, they were nice to us. Things were calm back then. Joseph… The guy knew how to keep quiet, that was why I loved him. He was a great friend and a great soldier. I remember his death perfectly. We were in the dirt he had been hit by a bullet on his side, he looked like a fish out of water struggling hard to get oxygen. I climb on his torso to stop the bleeding, it just made him agonize longer. I am sorry for that. Until someone would find me I had to stay there and pretend to be dead so I laid on him, I tried to relax a maximum to make my body heavier so I could stop the bleeding.  
At first I believed he could be saved, he could answer my question and the wound did not seem deep, but when I moved my body a bit, just to check his wound he gasped, when I raised my hands to see how deep was the cut the blood started flooding again. I put my hands back...He asked me if he was going to die, I looked at him and he was not 27 anymore, he looked like 7. I told him that everything would be okay, that finally he was free to be with his family again. He thanked me, I did not reply. We did not make further moves. I have watched him cry and beg the Lord until eventually, he told me that he did not feel a thing. I knew he was doomed, nothing could change that, I couldn't. So I watched him die slowly, when he saw me crying he told me that it was 'fine', just 'fine'. I was not prepared for that, none of us were. Nobody told me how this silent would reach my bones and freeze my heart, how it would annihilate my soul. I know why now.  
I'm sweating and my whole body is sore. I feel numb, again. My muscles are tensed, my head is spinning. I do not sleep much these days, I do not sleep at all. When I do I see them, all of them, I see, feel and hear everything, from the blood tainting my clothes and the sobs of the dying to the smell of putrid flesh. I can't even lay in bed so I just sit on my chair and drink, funny because when I do lay in bed it is because I am too drunk and kind of forget that I will not sleep. What time is it? Maybe I'm still drunk from the evening.  
I must breathe and things will get better. I used to say that all the time. How many soldiers have died in front of me? How many of them were friends? How many of them were allies? And How many of them were just on the wrong side of the rifle? More than I can count. I did not save anyone. I killed faster than the enemy that is all. I do not know if it makes me less of a man or if I should be proud of myself. To be fair I don't remember the faces of the men I killed. Yet, they all took a part of me when they died, I guess we are even.  
How many time will I have to endure those nightmares? I'm not sure why I'm afraid. I was not scared back then but I am now. Silly. I could have died, I did not. I'm here, safe and still paralysed from fear. Silly indeed. 'Don't pity the dead, pity the living.' maybe my mum was not completely wrong. Things will never be over. Once a soldier always a soldier and the scars which cannot be seen will never disappear. I guess time cannot heal all wounds, maybe that is why we should pity us? 'That is wise.' resounds in my mind, at least I can still smile, that night cannot be the worst then.  
I should stop drinking and try the pills Helen gave me, I think she did not have the right to give them to me because she looked worried, but I do not want her near my house after 6pm. She has better things to do. Anyway, she said they will make me sleep and relax, I do not know if I should be laughing at her or thanking her. Of course I thanked her, she is trying her best but those civilians… They think medicine can take all the pains away.  
Still, I am ready to do anything to go back to war, they need me, I will be useful there. Here I am just a sick boy, an orphan, a nobody. Everyone makes me feel like I am twelve again. I hate that but I thank them anyway, it is hard for them too. People are worried about the issue of the war, some are not sure we will win anymore. Some are afraid of starvation and invasion. More and more soldiers are retired in hospitals that proves many things; first, they are more soldiers in the battlefields than they thought. Second, the Allies are not doing well – which, after the operation dynamo, can be stated as true-. And third, there is more to come, this is definitely not over.  
I will throw this lamp away, it looks like a rotten lemon pastry.  
Well, my thoughts do not make sense anymore, I should stop writing.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!  
> Chapter 6 here it comes. I've been inspired by 'stardust' by Sinastra, you should have a look to the lyrics ;) and by Tiersen piano songs here's the link, really good music : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omhHQ2mVWXU 
> 
> Hope you'll like this one! don't forget to give feedbacks ♥  
> enjoy xx

 

June, 10th

I hate Mondays.

 

Many soldiers have arrived in England this week. Many injured. Most of them were fighting in Dunkirk. One of my patient, Harry, fought in this battle but I did not know back then what this was about so I was surprised by these new arrivals. My matron said that the consequences of the defeat in the Strait Of Dover were massive, many soldiers were evacuated, many died… 'more than you could ever count' she stated. It dawned upon me how lucky Harry had been. Anyway, now I have to shuttle between two hospitals, the usual one and another farer from home. I will have to sleep in the hospital from time to time because buses do not commute to remote cities when it is too late and my schedule is crazy. But I am not complaining, as long as I can help I'm happy. There are more and more VADs, it is good, they need us. I keep telling the trainees that if they work hard enough they will get opportunities to improve their knowledge and become great nurses. If I do great in the military hospital maybe one day I will have the chance to go to London or become a head nurse. And after the war I will study medicine and will become a doctor. Louis' mother was a doctor and she was a great woman, she could have been proud of me. It is different with my mother, she is proud but she would have preferred to see me as a teacher, like her. She said being a doctor is a not a job for women, that we naturally tend to care about children and home education. She is right but I am making great efforts and I am useful, I really think I am. She does not want my little sister to be a nurse either. 'She is too young for this war' she said, she does not seem to realize that 'this war' may last…

 

I have massaged Harry today, I tried to make him remember things from war, the names of villages, the aspect of landscapes and so on but he seemed very confused. Sometimes he can state simple facts sometimes he does not even seem to have played a role in this war, he stutters, trembles and ends up mute. He is numb by his trauma. He does not sleep but many soldiers do not sleep anymore what worries me is his taste for alcohol, alcoholism is a serious disease I do not want him to plunge into it. He told me he only drank to sleep but I did not believe a single word, one of the nurse in the military hospital told me that soldiers were used to drinking, that they would drink alcohol because water was rare in the fields. I told him that as long as he would drink for no reason I would not be able to help him. I was harsh and I think I did not have the right to say that but he had not the right to ask me for any medicine and I gave him anyway, if anyone hears about that I will probably be laid off, so we are even.

Harry is one of my favourite patient, I try to see him every day. I massage him, he suffers from rheumatism on his back and shoulders and one of his knee makes him suffer too. He sprained his wrist during the war but I think if he behaves well it will be fine. We talk, a lot. Well, I talk a lot. He is a good listener, he is very charming and when I talk to him I can tell by the way he looks at me that I have got all his attention. Maybe one day when he will be tired of hearing about Louis, my mother and I, he will start to reply? It could be great.

Louis saw him yesterday, he promised him to give a hand for his garden. He told me there was no way Harry was a farm guy. I smiled. I am happy though, Harry needs to make friends before going back to war and Louis is the best person to play that role.

 

Louis. We made love the day before yesterday. As usual it did not feel right, we do not make love often and when we do he barely gets hard...It makes me feel sad, he said it was not my fault but I think it is. Maybe I'm not beautiful enough? I'm working all day long so I do not have time to titivate myself. Maybe I should tell Mama? I know how she will react, she will not pity him and will be harsh on him. She told me once that he was a nice and polite man but he was not made for me. I do not think she hates him, but sometimes she acts as if we would be better without him, that it would not matter if he was not here with us. I do believe she is wrong. We are married, we can figure things out like many couples do. I am in love with him and he is in love with me, it means something.

Maybe he should go to the hospital and see if there is something wrong with his penis? I am not specialized in intercourses but many doctor are starting to address this issue. No we must not. He will get upset and sad if I tell him this. I am feeling stuck. I want this baby, I always wanted to bare life. How am I supposed to be pregnant if he does not ejaculate? I am feeling like a little girl who is having a tantrum. That is silly.

I will talk to him but later. He has just lost his brother and he is working very hard to manage the farms and production. He does not need that. I can wait… I do not think he is feeling well either, he is having nightmares, I think he does not remember them because he did not tell me anything. But his nightmares seem pretty rough. Last night his moans have waken me up, he was shouting nonsense in his sleep, it was something akin to “Run brother! Don't stop! Run!”. I did not say a thing, I caressed his brow and his pain was gone for a little while. He also muttered something about my eyes, he said they were beautifully green, it made me smile to sleep.

 

I don't know if I should tell Harry not to speak about war, Harry needs to speak about it but given the circumstances, I am not sure Louis needs to hear what he has to say. I do not want Louis nor Harry to be upset in any way. But Harry will not talk to me about what he has been through for war affairs are not women's business. At least not mine. After what I have seen and heard in the military hospital I do not want more details about what is going on in the battlefield. I should try other things with the soldier, I could present him to the school teachers and my family? It could be great. Once he meets Bob I must ask him what he thinks about him, next week he will have to see the psychiatrist then he will be able to enjoy his convalescence and go back to war in a month or so.

 

 

“So tell me Harry, why are you here?” Robert asked the soldier.

 

The three men – Harry, Louis and Robert- had been in the bar for one hour now, the police officer and the soldier were beginning to feel tipsy, Louis was already drunk, he was not used to drinking that much, usually he would sip wine or whiskey but God knew binge drinking was not his thing. Earlier he had come to Harry's and offered him a drink, just one he low-key pinky promised himself. Harry had asked “What are we celebrating?” in a raspy and dull voice - as usual he was drawsy and in his bubble- and Louis who had no particular reason to drink had replied “It's been a week and your plantations are not dead yet.” Harry had raised his eyebrows – It could possibly mean he was amused- and followed him nonchalantly.

 

“Hm we've been evacuated from the beaches.” He said frowning at his glass.

Robert was eager to know everything, he was a police officer so he was like Louis, required by the government to stay in England. He had been asking him questions for an hour so Louis and him had not spoken much to each other but Louis was glad, satisfied to be specific. He had been listening carefully to Harry's answers so now he knew more things about him, well more things about rifles and ranges of fire but it was a beginning. Besides, he was drunk, not too drunk but drunk enough to forget about his own problems so the evening was going on pretty well. Youngsters in the bar were celebrating the break before the final exams of July, they were not drinking but playing card instead. Some older men, most of them farmers, were talking out loud and discussing men affairs. Another one was playing a violin version of “Stardust” by Sinatra. It was noisy but intimate.

 

“Lucky ass aren't you?” Robert chuckled.

The radio reporters did not speak much about the procedures and details of the operation but Louis heard that this evacuation meant a big defeat for the Allies, he reckoned his friend was right Harry had been lucky to be evacuated.

“You could say that.” Harry snorted and finished his glass. Then he waved at the bartender and asked for two shots.

“Come on! I want details.” he patted his back. Robert was bold.

“Hm, we had to wait, first on the shore then in the water.” He drank the first shot.

“What about your vehicles and canons? Oh and the artillery units?” Robert asked sparkles in his eyes. There was a big discrepancy between those two men. It seemed Robert was talking about toys, there was something more about the soldier, something in his eyes which proved that one of them had not been on the other side of the fence.

“Destroyed, sunk in the sea or taken on board.” He coughed before swallowing the second drink.

“Rough.” Robert stated before standing up from his stool. “Need to pee, I'll be back!”

As soon as Robert left his seat Harry frowned at Louis.

“What?” Louis raised his eyebrows, he was not in the mood to keep quiet and alcohol was helping him a lot.

“You said it'd be a celebration.”

“I did.” Louis nodded.

“It's not.” Harry replied right back.

“Are you not having fun?” Louis asked confused. He really thought it could be great to bring Harry in this bar, and Robert was sympathetic.

“Not really.”

“Can I ask you why?”

“Let's have a drink.” Harry waved at the bartender again, two shots of malt here we go. Louis secretly sighed, he was feeling stuffed with alcohol already, he could not afford to be too drunk yet he could not afford to upset Harry during his celebration could he?

“To the carrot boy.” Harry followed peering at Louis with his glass raised.

“To the carrot boy.” Louis clinked his glass. They swallowed the content of their glass and Louis made a funny face, the liquor did not taste good. Harry put down his empty glass a minuscule grin on his face.

“Will you still take care of my garden when I am back to war?” Harry asked circling the rim of his glass with his finger.

“You really cannot wait to go back can you?” Louis asked back.

“When I go back I'll finally have something to do.”

“You mean, you'll feel useful?” Louis nodded.

“I guess yeah. What can I do here?” He replied simply.

 

Louis did not reply to that. Harry was true, even his white shirt, black and white plaided trousers and matching shoes could not prevent him from standing out from the mass.

 

“You'll save the world I can hardly refuse to save your garden.” Louis smiled.

“Impressed.” Harry said, he gazed at him and smiled back.

He smiled. A genuine smile. Louis peered at his dimple and congratulated himself secretly. Firstly Harry was happy to go soldiering again and Louis was happy to have brought the subject, secondly the soldier could smile, that was more than expected.

“Don't mock me Carrot boy.” Louis deadpaned.

“There shan't be two Carrot boys.” Harry stated with a neutral face and Louis shook his dead. The guy was good at this game.

 

Harry stood up and staggered a little, he placed his right hand on Louis' knee a split second just so the world would stop spinning. A split second was enough indeed. When Louis looked back at Harry his hands were in his pocket.

“Need to pee.” He muttered.

 

 

Robert came back few minutes later. His traits were clenched.

“What's going on Bob?” The guy coughed.

“Nothing...Nothing.”

“Come on. Don't make a fuss. Spit it out.” Louis smiled.

“He is weird.” Robert muttered.

“Harry? He's out to lunch that's all. Helen said it was normal.” Louis replied seriously but Robert laughed. “What? He just came home give him a rest.” He followed in a chuckle.

“Sure...Just...be careful.” Robert ordered a drink so as to end the conversation but Louis replied right back.

“Why would you say that? You were hanging on his words five minutes ago.” he said confused.

“I was...I- Listen, I-” the man stammered.

“You what?” Louis snapped frustrated.

“How was he allowed to go to war?” Robert whispered in in his ear. Louis burst out of laugh. Robert was talking nonsense. Louis wanted to say that Harry probably had volunteered and that the question was silly. He also wanted to tell him to go to bed because obviously the guy was too drunk but Harry was back and replied first.

“What are you talking about?”

“Robert is going home, aren't you Bob?” Louis laughed.

“I am! Nice talk Styles. Goodnight Louis!” He waved at them and left. Harry sat on the stool again.

“I should go home too. Helen is going to be mad if I don't help her with household chores tomorrow.”

“I thought you were working on Saturdays.” He glazed at him.

“I am but I also usually help her first.” Louis pouted.

“What do you have to do?” Harry asked.

“Repair on pipes.”

“Oh. So you're a plumber too?” He raised his eyebrows – this time Louis was sure the guy was mocking him- “You know what? let's play darts, if I lose you get to go home, if I win we-”

 

“Deal.” He nodded. Louis was good at playing darts he did not hesitate, he would win.

 

He lost. Twice.

 

So Harry decided that it was time for them to take the car and just ride. Louis let Harry drive, he was too drunk to drive but not enough to realize that it was more judicious to let Harry take the wheel, in fact surprisingly enough the soldier seemed more vigilant. On the road they talked about the car, Louis told Harry its story, how much he loved it, Harry listened carefully and talked about the vehicles he repaired before the war. Then he sang some famous French songs and Louis tried to sing with him -yes, he was really drunk. They rode until it got dark, eventually Louis was not able to recognize the whereabouts anymore. He told Harry to turn back but the soldier did not listen and parked the car in the middle of nowhere.

“I don't know where we are, you don't know either! Come on! Let's walk across the fields.” he said walking forward, of course Louis followed him what else could he do?

“Next time let's stick to gardening! No more drinking Harry!” He shouted before running to join Harry.

They walked until they reached a river, a kilometre from here on top of the hill was a building which seemed like a farm. Harry stopped, sat on the ground and stared at the water.

“No fucking way Styles. We are not going to swim.” He said his arms folded.

Harry turned his head to stare at Louis.

“Having a tantrum?” he deadpaned a smile on his face - a third smile really?-.

“My wife is going to be furious.” He chuckled before sitting in front of Harry, the grass was long and dewy but the weather was warm. There was many stars in the dark blue sky.

“I will talk to her, she is a gem with me.”

“Of course she is nice with you! You're paying her!” Louis deadpaned.

Harry pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and snorted.

“She is nice with me because I'm not the one she married. I don't care about pipes.” Harry said content before lighting his cigarette, the smoke escaped from his mouth and billowed to the sky. “And no, we are not going to fucking swim across that river.” he added. In the dark his jawline was sharper and his severe traits were looming under the glimmer of his cigarette.

“I thought you were polite.” Louis replied right back taking the cigarette off Harry's mouth, he took a long puff and exhaled towards the sky.

 

But Harry did not replied, he pulled another cigarette from the packet and peered at the river.

They went silent for a while, their thoughts roaming, slowly lulled by the sound of running water and the smell of tobacco. Eventually Louis who had let himself falling on the ground looked at Harry, but the guy did not seem to care. He did not move an inch. The sky was pitch-dark now and the flare Louis had seen in his eyes earlier was waning. Louis was still drunk, he was dizzy but he was lying on the grass and that definitely helped. He tried to close his eyes but could not though. Somehow the world was spinning faster his eyes shut. He opened his eyes and peered at Harry again, the cigarette between his parted full lips was burning so slowly the ashes at its edge had not fallen. Louis wondered if the guy had taken a single puff of it. Eventually the soldier broke the silence.

“What do you want Louis?” Harry said, it made Louis started even though Harry's voice was so low.

“Excuse me?” Louis muttered.

“What do you want?” Harry said in the exact same tone.

“What do you mean?”

“What do you want to do in your life?” Harry muttered. When he finally realized the cigarette between his lips was long gone he let out a sigh and discarded it on the grass.

“To be happy.” Louis stated sure of his answer but Harry mocked him, a scrunchy nose on his face.

“Everyone wants to be happy. What do you want Louis?” He reiterated, it left Louis speechless.

“What do you want?” Louis mimicked, Harry stood up and approached the river, he ducked, washed his hands and stood up again. He dried his hands on his trousers and put them on his pocket. He outstripped Louis without a glance.

“Already told you, going back to war. Let's drive you home.”

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All life is three or four big days that change everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi !  
> It's been a while, many many things going on sorry :/ 
> 
> This one is for Patty ( you know why ♥) and Nadia because I miss her. 
> 
> As usual, don't hesitate to give feedbacks :) 
> 
> lots of love xx

'What do you mean?' Louis frowned. He looked at his wife, her jaw was clench and she was frowning too.  
'I mean… I've talked to the doctor and… he's not coming back…' Helen sighted and sat, her face in her hands. Louis sat besides her, took one of her hand and gently caressed her knuckles.  
'Don't cry sweetheart' he whispered. 

Helen was one of the kindest nurses in the area and probably in England, this piece of information was affecting her deeply. Harry Styles was a lovely patient and more, he was her friend now. She had tried in many ways to make him feel good but it would not be enough, a full recovery was impossible, that was what the doctor had stated. And now, she would have to tell him.  
Of course she would be the first to tell him, because she could and because she had profound respect for the soldier. Suddenly Louis felt sorry for her, how many times would she be disappointed like this? How many times would she have to feel that way? A thought crossed his mind, maybe her mother was right, maybe she was too sensitive to be a nurse. But the thought quickly disappeared because no, she was not too sensitive she was perfect for this job.  
She was crying out of frustration, each of her patient was important, they were more than people to take care of, she was dedicating her life to them and she wanted their recovery to be successful. She was young yet determined, she knew what she wanted and how that is why it was harsh, having done everything she could to heal Harry and failing. Besides, Louis knew Harry was her favourite patient, maybe because he was her age and they could share their lives or because Harry was genuinely sympathetic with her, Louis was not sure. 

After a long silence she spoke again.  
'Most of his symptoms can be diminish they will not disappear of course but- he will be able to cope with them eventually. But- some aren't- and he- he won't be able to fight again, I mean- he won't be allowed to. I'm worried about him.' To soothe her sorrow Louis attempted to smile at her, she tried to smile back but failed. 'He is supposed to see the psychiatrist tomorrow but the doctor decided to tell me first.' she coughed ' I should tell him first don't you think?' 

Louis frowned trying to cope with all the pieces of information. Of course he was not a doctor but less than three weeks to decide whether a soldier could go back to war or not seemed a short period of time especially when the said doctor had told Helen most of his symptoms were due to diminish. Harry had his two legs, his two arms, he was alive and eager to go back, there was nothing too 'wrong' about him really. But Harry was not the first to suffer from those kind of traumas and will not be the last, so maybe two weeks or so were more than enough to judge his abilities.  
In fact, Louis was a complete stranger to this world, so he could not tell nor process all the things going on. Then he thought about the last time, two days before when he had seen him, he had been smiling for the first time, but most importantly he had smiled at the thought of going back to war. Now, for some reasons it was all gone. He wondered how many symptoms Harry had, and how hard it must have been to control them. Every time he had seen him the soldier had been 'absent' and confused but it dawned on Louis that there were more, more than the dizziness, more than tiredness. Helen would never talk about that, in fact she would never talk too much about the soldier in general.  
Sure sometimes when she was glad about his progress she would tell Louis but never in details and in a way Louis was glad for he was not sure if he wanted to know more. He thought about their last discussion ' What do you want?' ' Already told you going back to war. Let's drive you home.' Going back to war would have made him happy, this idea sounded awful, how could someone be happy to risk his life? How could someone be eager to expose himself to horrendous pains?  
Although Louis would never understand, he felt sorry for him. 'Everyone deserves to be happy' his mother would repeat when he was a little boy. If it was true then Harry not going back to war was unfair. What would he do now? 

'Louis?' Helen inquired.  
'Hm… Are you allowed to tell him?' She frowned and sniffled.  
'No the psychiatrist and doctor will tell him tomorrow but I can tell him it's a secret. He won't tell anyone.'  
'Helen it's not a good idea you know that.' Louis' tone changed.

Helen had the tendency to be reckless. She had always been like this and Louis loved her for that. Even when they were young, she would play truant and run across the fields or swim in the rivers. Her mother would ground and chide her but she did not really care. Growing up she did not listen to her mother concerning her future, she had decided not to be a teacher and she would not. She was fearless.  
Yet as reckless as some of her decisions could be, she happened to be always right and do good. Louis knew that, he knew her, that is why he would not reply when one man or another would tell him that he could not 'handle his wife' or that he had to ' supervise her more' because in fact, he was not attempting to do anything. He did not have to supervise her because she would never try something thoughtless, she was smart enough to know the limits.  
'He is my friend.' She pleaded.  
'We've met him two weeks ago honey.' Louis said trying to look grave to convince Helen not to tell the soldier even though he knew this was not true. Their friendship had freshly started but still, Louis could not have went out -until late in the night, in the middle of nowhere, having deep conversations- with a complete stranger. Though he was not sure the soldier was his friend yet he was sure that he would certainly be. 

'Oh yeah, I see, you don't appreciate him, that is surely, the reason why you came to bed after in the middle of the night last time. Not to mention you were drunk despite what I told you about alcohol consumption.' She stated raising her eyebrows and stood up.  
Louis smiled because Helen was stubborn, more than stubborn indeed. This trait could be really hard to cope with but it was charming on her. Plus, she had told him about Harry's taste for alcohol and indeed, Louis could not agree more she was right drinking too much could engender many problems and would slow Harry's recovery. 

'I shall come with you it's late.' He stood up.  
' Could you please stay?' She inquired displaying her cutest face.  
' Why?' Louis stepped forward, smiled gently and kissed her cheek. She put her arms around his neck.  
'Because the supper is going to burn, I cannot halve myself.” She bite her lip.  
'Are you sure about this?' He sighed.  
'I don't want him to learn the news from someone he's seen twice.' She lowered her head but Louis raised her chin and kissed her forehead.  
' Don't be long.' She nodded.

 

Tuesday 18th

We will never see him again.  
I'm so mad I cannot even think properly. This is beyond all madness. Helen went to see the soldier to tell him the news. When she came back she was crying and frightened. I asked her what had happened and she told me he turned completely mad. He destroyed everything in his house. Helen told me he threw his table radio on the floor and hit the wall with his fist. Hopefully he did not hurt her, I would have killed him myself. Helen was just trying to be comprehensive and kind. 

I do not understand his reaction. She is not as angry as I am. She is sad more than anything else actually. She will not take care of him anymore, I do not care if he needs medical care. He should not have done that. Poor Helen. I told her that taking care of the soldiers at home was too risky but she did not listen to me, she said everything would be better, she said it was fine and she would take care of his wrist again but I refused. He is dangerous and I do not want her to be hurt. He will find another nurse.  
We agreed on keeping that event for ourselves. She is certain he won't tell the doctor tomorrow. He cannot, because soldiers must respect the nurses and can be punished otherwise. If someone hears what he has done he will be sent to the military hospital and I'm sure he does not want that. Robert was right. This boy is weird and dangerous. He should go to the hospital, maybe after his consultation he will. I hope so. 

Helen told me another thing, his parents are alive, after the scene during the dinner - when he said his parents were dead- she asked the doctor further information about him and his parents are living in town. She did not tell me because she thought it did not matter. And again, she was right, now it doesn't matter. I don't care about his parents, I could have but I don't. It is too late to care. And I wanted to be his friend…  
What a fool. The doctor said that his parents are not talking to him anymore, but as they are still alive he had been sent to their town, that is how it works, you are sent where your parents live. Who are his parents? I don't recall a Styles family. We spoke about how it felt to be an orphan, and family matters, more than once... He seemed sincere and sympathetic. What a liar. We helped him, we befriended with him and that is how he thanked us, with violence.  
Helen told me not to be too harsh with him, that those sorts of reactions could occur, she tried to reassure me even though she was crying out of shock, she is brave. She did not even taste the food. She tried to explain to me some things I cannot understand and went to bed. 

I don't know what to do, my heart tells me to go and tell him how I feel about him -punch him- but my head tells me to remain calm. It is more reasonable to stay calm and impassive of course I know that. I hope not to see him in the streets or anywhere else. I do hope he will apologize to Helen. She deserves better. She is the sweetest. 

I'm furious and disgusted. 

 

Friday 21th

I have seen him this morning. I left the house a bit too early I don't know why, anyway, I decided to drive around.  
I was crossing the corn fields of Mr Begins when I saw him, he was sitting on a stool near a watering hole. He must have walked for 1 hour to reach the place because Mr Begins' fields are far from the outskirts of the city. The stool was old and shabby, I have never seen it before, I never paid attention I guess. The weather was cool but he was only wearing his white shirt and dark blue trousers. No uniform.  
I was driving slowly because of the holes in the road and for a split second I thought of stopping the car and talk to him about his fit. Then I decided to just drive forwards and pass over him. His back was turned in the opposite direction so he could not have seen my face, but surely he was aware someone was coming.  
I did stop.  
I parked my car at his level. I turned off the engine. At this point I was angry. I bite my lower lip remembering Helen's words ' If you see him please don't make a fuss, please Lou.' I sighed deeply promising myself not to attempt anything stupid. I opened the door, walked around the car and stared at him, my whole body leaning aginst the hood of my car. I could only see his profile but as usual his traits were dull and his jaw clenched. The bandages on his wrist were gone, the brace was whole new, the doctor must have put it in place during the consultation the day before. He did not move, he did not even turned his head to face me, he was peering at the horizon. I laughed. I did. What were the odds to see him at six in the morning, in the middle of nowhere, sitting on a crappy stool? Nobody except me and the Begins' take this road. Two cars cannot fit and it leads to nothing but farm machineries and more fields. What were the odds to meet him again and face his silence? The whole situation was utterly silly. 

 

I looked at him expecting any reaction. He remained silent. I passed from amused to angry again: He had nothing to say? Fine. I shook my head in disbelief and stood up to get into my car. He said something I did not fathom. I stopped, turned around and this time he peered at me, there was something in his eyes I did not catch. I muttered a ' what?' but he did not repeat, it made me scoff. How very Harry of him. I felt my blood boil again, I said ' you're not supposed to be here' and I got back into my car. 

My day was tedious. 

Helen is not home, she is working at the second hospital. She is sleeping over and is due to come back tomorrow night. I think she is supposed to go to his house. I will make sure she do not. I feel guilty, I cannot prevent her from doing her job, from healing a wounded soldier. But still. His reaction was inappropriate. He does not deserve her and my role as husband is to protect her. She is a gem. We will probably argue about that, of course she will want to come to his house and figure the situation out. I know her. She will. 

She always sees the whole picture, this situation makes me perplex.

I will not talk to her about this morning. She will be upset about my reaction. She will say I should have said something else. She is so mature for her age and probably right. Well I tried, didn't I? What could have I done? What could have I said? He is the one supposed to explain himself. And he probably knows that I know about his parents, so maybe he could have said sorry for being a liar. I'm getting angry again. I should stop thinking about that. 

One last thing, when I got home this afternoon there was a piece of paper on the threshold I bent forward to grab it and I noticed the dog tag from under. I grabbed it and peered at it, ' H Styles/ CE/ 7623 9182' it's Harry's. On the paper it is written ' All life is three or four big days that change everything.'. 

I don't understand. 

I'm going to sleep now.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'It's not a necklace. It's a dog tag Louis.' Harry spat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, 
> 
> here is a whole new aspect of H privacy! Loved to write that part tbh!  
> Before reading just be aware: An homophobic content is displayed in this chapter, especially at the end of the text. Remember we are in the 1940s, homosexuality was considered as a disease.  
> (And for those waiting, be ready for the smut in the next chapter though)
> 
> ENJOY  
> xx

The weather was hot, the air was stifling, many people were gathered on the threshold of the church to speak with Father Johnson. Some kids were running around and giggling, others were standing next to their parents, trying to understand some of the adults words in a complete silent. The oldest were already leaving so as Louis and Helen. The couple had many things to do among them cleaning the house, repairing some machines and gardening... Louis forced Helen to step up the pace and gave him a let's-go-before-any-of-our-neighbours-try-to-talk-to-us look. Helen smiled. She had other projects, among them; talking to Mr Styles. She stopped to retie her shoelaces hoping that the soldier would come quickly.  
The said soldier had been glaring at Louis during the whole mass, at least that how Louis had felt. He tried his best not to look at the soldier but one time had been enough, when he looked at him the soldier was looking at him too, after that, Louis felt monitored... So Louis knew, he knew something was going to happen, he had guessed the soldier would attempt to talk to them and after the episode of the car in the fields and the dog tag he was more than perplex about him. Strangely enough, he had kept the soldier's dog tag, but don't get him wrong, it was just to hand it back.  
'Helen hurry up' Louis muttered.  
'My shoelaces are untied Lou, I don't want to fall.' She lied, she glanced at Harry who was talking with one of the town teacher, her name was Dorothy Frances, she was teaching English to the youngest. She was tall, blond and as charming as intelligent. She stood up and sighted. Harry would not come and have a conversation.  
'Let's go.' Louis replied smiling, he was more than relieved to go. They sped up to a tiny street, no sooner had they crossed the road than they heard a voice.  
'Mr and Mrs Tomlinson!' Helen turned over and sighed. She had a small smile on her face. It was Harry Styles. Of course. He crossed the road and unconsciously Louis knotted his arm with Helen's. Then he stopped just in front of Helen and kissed her hand. He bowed to Louis and put his hands on his pockets. Louis low-key laughed, now you can interact ? Funny.  
'Hello Harry, how are you ?' Helen inquired with genuine worry.  
'Not as fine as when my favourite nurse takes care of me.' Harry joked a tiny smile on his face. And Louis frowned, now he was flirting with HIS wife.  
'What do you want ?' Louis spat. Harry cleared his throat and frowned. He put his hands behind his back and raised his chin. He did not need uniforms to remain a soldier, or at least to have the same postures.  
'I want to present you my sincere apologies Mrs Tomlinson. I did not mean to hurt you, in any ways. This kind of fit will not happen in your presence again.'  
'Sure it won't. You will find another nurse Mr Styles.' For the first time Harry looked at Louis. Louis tried his best to look severe but Harry did not seem impressed, at all. He turned his head to Helen again and followed:  
' I know my reaction was wrong and I am deeply sorry Helen. I am not asking you to be my nurse again, I just wish you could forgive me, as a friend. Even though I don't deserve any of your friendly sentiments for I am a miserable talker. And friend. ' Louis raised his eyebrows, what the- ? He looked at Helen, she seemed relieved to hear those words. Louis was not relieved at all. Helen had told him she would continue to heal him despite what he had done, she was just waiting for him to present his apologies.  
' Will you excuse me Harry?' She asked gently before dragging Louis in the corner of the street, far enough from Harry's ears.  
'What are you doing Helen?' Louis muttered.  
'Please Louis.' Helen pleaded tightening his embrace on his arm.  
'No. I know what you are going to say. And it is no. You won't work for him again. He is violent and dangerous. And a liar.'  
'You heard him... He did not mean to offend me!'  
'I said no Helen.' He muttered. Now he was angry.  
'Louis! I'm not asking you to forgive him, I am asking you to let me do my job and let me keep a friend.'  
'Because a friend would lie and shock you until you cry...' He shook his head.  
'He did not mean to and maybe he has his reasons?'  
'What do you mean?' She sighed and Louis realised how much she wanted him to let her forgive the soldier.  
'Sometimes you act the way you act for some very personal reasons. I don't know why he lied about his parents Louis! Does it matter anyway? He will tell me when he is ready to. He is a good man Louis. I wish you could see him the way I do.' Louis laughed. That was too much.  
'Will you listen to me ? You don't seem to realise he could hurt you again. Mark my words.'  
'Give him the benefit of the doubt Louis, please. He needs me. You know that.' That was true, Helen was very good at her job and Harry was very much in need of cares. But he was pissed. She would never listen to what he had to say.  
She stopped his thoughts as if she knew what he was thinking ' I'm listening to you Louis. You are right he could hurt me again, he is indeed violent, he should not have done that. And I love you for being protecting and kind. I'm not trying to disrespect your opinion Lou. I'm asking you to trust me.What about the doctor? I cannot tell him I don’t want to take care of one of my patients, I will be fired, and Harry will be asked to explain himself. Louis please.'  
'If it happens again, you won't be his nurse nor his friend. You won't talk to him ever. Understood?' Louis spat. He was more worried that angry.  
'Promise.' She hugged him tight.  
' I love you so much Helen, I don't want you to be hurt.' He hugged her tighter.  
'I love you so Lou.' She smiled and took his hand in hers to lead him to Harry again. The young man was waiting- his body leaning against a car- his traits were clenched, he was genuinely worried.  
'Can I offer you a cup of tea ? In my house?' Harry inquired, Helen looked at Louis so as to ask him the permission.  
'Sure.' Louis muttered.  
He was not angry anymore, deep down he knew he had no reason to. The things were done, Harry looked genuinely worried which meant that Helen’s well-being meant something to him and obviously he was not going to make her cry again, he had apologized all was well that ended well. If one could say that. Louis was anxious. Harry obviously had made a great effort to speak his mind and to apologize, that was to be appreciated but what about the lies? He did not seem to want to explain himself to Louis, which was weird because he had lied on many subjects, subjects which meant a great deal to Louis.  
When they arrived at the house, everything was tidy and clean. Louis reckoned nothing had changed except the radio station which was missing to the picture. Harry and Helen started to chat and sipped their cups of tea speaking. First they chitchatted about the weather which was hotter than usual, Helen was worried about the condition of patients in hospital and especially the oldest. Then they talked about Mrs Frances, apparently she was fond of Harry and wanted him to invite her to the upcoming town ball, which he did. They both agreed on how cute she was or some kind of adjective.  
Finally they talked about Harry's programme, since he was not a soldier anymore Helen's visits would be less frequent, or at least the hours would not be as regular as before but the good news was that Harry had finally decided to take his sleeping pills which made Helen very happy and confident. Maybe after a while Harry could sleep as he used to do before the war. More sleep was a very good news indeed as it meant less dizziness, more concentration and effective recovery. It was just a try but at least it was something.  
Louis was just glancing around unconsciously searching for something fishy. He noticed a couple of new books, maybe the teacher had given them to him? He wanted to sit down but there were only one armchair and a chair in the living room so he just leant against the wall behind Harry. The nurse and the soldier were genuinely happy to chat, Louis could see that and for a split second he got pissed again because he had been wrong, Helen had nothing to do with the lies or the anger, it was between him and Harry. Actually Louis had no reason to bare a grudge against him especially when his own wife did not, recognizing his wrongs was more difficult than expected - for reasons unknown to him the anger would not go away.  
He watched Harry go away to come back with a little box which he gave to Helen.  
'That's a present for you.' Harry said sheepishly.  
'Harry! You needn't !' she blushed. The gift was a ribbon, light green to match the colour of her eyes, it was simple but effective. Louis stood up, took the ribbon and stood behind Helen. The fabric was soft and light. It really was a beautiful gift. He ran his fingers through Helen's hair and tied it. He tried his best to form a beautiful knot. Helen deserved that. She murmured a thank you and stood up, the shade of her cheeks was dark pink, Louis smiled for his wife was so mesmerizing when blushing.  
'Thank you very much Harry. And thank you for the tea. ' She turned to Louis before continuing ' Louis is it fine if I go home now? I have many things plan for today.'  
'Of course, I promised you to repair the sink again so I won't be long.' Louis did not noticed but Harry pouted, Louis had probably worsen the state of the sink the first time he had tried to fix it.  
Helen left giving a warm smile to Harry. There were alone now and an awkward silence fell.  
Louis sat on the chair and bite his lower lip. What now?  
'That's a sweet gift.' He finally mouthed. Harry took out his pocket of cigarettes and handed one to Louis. Lightening his he threw the lighter to Louis.  
'You're angry at me.' Harry answered in a dull voice.  
'I am' Louis replied simply before lightening his cigarette. He attempt to speak his mind but Harry cut him.  
' I'm sorry for Helen. What I did was unacceptable. I regret it. I shouldn't have disrespected your wife.' Louis low-key hugged himself. Finally he thought. ' I usually am a respectful person. It won't happen again.'  
Again Louis wanted to speak but Harry would not stop. The soldier swallowed hard and followed ' thank you for letting her be my nurse again. Really appreciated.' His whole body relaxed.  
Louis rummaged through his pocket and sorted the dog tag out. Harry had apologize that was more than enough. It should have been but what about the lies? What about his not-so-dead parents?  
'I don't know what to do with it.' His voice was colder than intended, he handed the necklace to Harry and took a look at his hands which looked in better shape, eventually they would be as soft and intact as they used to be. Harry's look became darker, obviously he was not expecting that.  
'If someone doesn't accept your gift, to whom the gift belong?' Harry exhaled deeply.  
' I didn't understand your words and I- I don't know what to do with your necklace.' Harry snorted. ' What?' Louis followed straight away.  
'It's not a necklace. It's a dog tag Louis.' Harry spat.  
Louis felt stupid again. First thing first, it was a gift. Besides even though this gift was apparently useless it was a gift so not accepting it was inappropriate, rude even. And thirdly Harry’s reaction supposed that it meant something for him. But it could not. Or at least Louis could not fathom. His mind was going crazy, he was not sure of anything anymore. He felt the urge to explain himself.  
'It does not change anything, I don’t understand.' He said impatiently.  
Harry took his time to answer, he inhaled and exhaled deeply and after four or five puffs his body muscles were more relaxed. His traits were not clenched anymore just severe. Something must have crossed his minds because a minuscule smile appeared on his face.  
'It does.' Even though Louis would not recognize it, it felt good to see him like that.  
'Can we agree to disagree?' Louis sighted trying hard not to smile.Maybe the solution was to let all his feelings go?  
'Keep it.' Harry said quickly, he threw the dog tag towards Louis, who caught it gasping in surprise. Harry's mind was hard to follow. ' Don't worry about the thing I said on that paper. I'm sure one day you will understand.' He stood up, disappeared for a while and Louis heard the doorknob clicked. He stood up and joined Harry.  
' We will see you at the ball Mr Tomlinson.' 

 

The morning was going on pretty well, the birds were singing, Kids were shouting and playing beyond the barriers of the cemetery, they were probably within the school area for the recreation. There was no one to be seen. Harry would have his mother for himself today. His head lying on the grave and feeling some freshness he was glad to be there before Summer could hit the day too much.  
The cemetery was not massive, but Edith’s grave was situated as far as possible from the only entrance, that made the privacy easier. Her tombstone was not old but one could have told it had not been properly looked after.  
‘Hi Mama.’ the soldier said in a gentle voice. ‘ How are you? I hope you’re enjoying this cool morning as much as I do. It’s been so hot these days, I couldn’t leave the house without my lungs burning because of the thick air.’ The soldier stopped and pouted ‘ I should have visited you earlier I know. But I got fired. Well- if I can say that. I won’t go to war. Ever. The psychologist told me I was sick and people like me could not go to war...’ he swallowed with difficulty ‘I could be dangerous for my fellows. I’m not allowed to bear any weapons in my house now. Nor to be a police officer or any member of the military field. Hopefully the psych didn’t seem to have much time for my case and just told me that my disease would have to remain refrained and secret. I already knew that. He told me I could get a treatment but it costs a lot you know and he was not able to cure me.’ he stopped and thought for a while, his was trying hard to control his breath and master his thought. Every time he would speak about that particular subject awful memories would come to his mind.  
‘ I don’t know if any of his medicines would have worked. I’ve met many men like me, they did not change, ever. I’ll have to tell him if anything had changed when I’ll see him again. I know what they will do to me if I say yes to the medicine, I am a not crazy Mama. You knew that...’  
An awful sensation crossed Harry’s body from his spine to his feet, the thought of ‘leaving’ surrounded by mad people, captive, drugged and defenceless was enough to make him shiver.  
‘ My other pains are more primordial aren’t they?’ He raised his head a bit just to remove his left arm which was already numb, and put his right arm under his head instead.  
‘ I’m sorry for the way I behaved with my nurse, and I know what you’ll say, yes it was rude and unacceptable, and yes violence is the mean of the cowards. I know Mama, I was just too angry about not going back I suppose. Or maybe I was too angry because my stay meant other things. Like- no, I shouldn’t think of that. Well, speaking of, he didn’t accept my dog tag, I tried to give it to him. I don’t want it anymore and I figured I could give it to him so as he remembers me.’ He sighed deeply refraining himself from saying too much somehow afraid of being heard.  
‘He came home with Helen, I told you about her, she’s his wife. And I gave it back to him, I wanted him to have it. What should I do? He is angry at me and I don’t know why, of course because of what I did to his wife but I think there is something beyond. I don’t know what, I- in the fields when he stopped his car I thought we would have talked like we did before but he was just so disdainful...I just didn’t talk.’ Harry stopped again remembering other painful memories. 

‘I wish you were here to advise me. You were always so lovely to me when I was a kid. Remember James from 5th grade? I used to talk about him all day long, I’m sorry Mama but he is dead. I received a letter from his cousin, he died fulfilling his Duty. He was a lovely guy and one of the few to love me despite of my-’ He stopped himself from mouthing ‘disease’  
‘Despite my tastes.’ James was the first boy to have made his heart beat faster. He was a sensitive kid with a smart mouth. He remembered when they kissed for the first time, Harry was 11. When he told his mother, he remembered her eyes, they were very concerned with something he could not fathom at that time. But now it was clear she had been worried about the consequences of his acts and who he was, what he was. He remembered a conversation between his father and his mother, His father shouted at his mother something about God and sins. He said Harry was a abomination. That night his mother came in Harry’s room and hugged him until he fell asleep. 

‘I wish you could meet Louis. His parents are dead too you know. We talked about you many times. I love the way he deals with things. He makes me think of you, he’s upright and resourceful.  
He’s lost his brother too. He was younger than me Mama can you believe that? Helen told me there was a mass in his honour and that his grave is somewhere in the cemetery. But according to Helen Louis does not visit him often, I reckon she said that is not how he wanted to remember him. That’s fair. 

I missed you you know? When I came back here your grave was dirty and messy. I’m sorry to have let you down but to quote Mister Carrot I was ‘ saving the world.’.’  
Harry laughed at that thought, remembering the bar, Louis’ antipathetic friend and how they had fun after. That had been a fun night.  
‘Everyone is kind with me here but I’m feeling 8 again and I don’t know what to say. The ball is tonight. I can’t wait.’ he smiled slightly.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'What do you want Louis?'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> Finally I had time to finish this! it's getting serious ;) 
> 
> don't forget feedbacks, 
> 
> all the love as always   
> xxx

The sun was slowly setting, Most of the kids were home right now, except for a bunch selling the cookies prepared the day before. Each year at the same period the inhabitants would organise a Summer ball, they would play music, dance, sell handmade goodies and recipes.  
As far as Louis could remember this event always had been his favourite for everyone was usually in a good mood and ready to have a good time. It was appreciated by many youngsters, in fact they would dance and drink for free and then spend the night in the fields or in someone’s house. For unknown reason parents would not mind about the booze that night, maybe because they had produced the exact same patterns ten years before in the same fields.   
Spending the whole night outside the house would never be tolerated though, especially for the girls. Louis remembered all the time he had been grounded for he had been caught going back home at six in the morning. That was before his parents when he could still act like a man of his age. 

Harry was playing with a ten year-old boy, they were playing with a ball occasionally overpassing inhabitants, running around the stalls. Eventually the youngest decided he would keep the ball, he made a funny face to Harry who ran to catch him and lift him in the air. They were both laughing, many people were glaring at us for it was a very beautiful scene to watch. 

‘Go and chat with him.’ Helen murmured.  
The ball had not started yet but she was already tipsy, Louis and her had already tasted some whine during their dinner and a little after when they went to taste the recipes stalls and again when they went near the public fountain to listen to the music of a small band. They were now near the dancing area, many people were gathered searching for their partner, waiting for the ball to start.   
Louis kissed her hand and stepped aside. When he saw Harry he stopped and stared for a while, he was wearing a black trouser with his usual shoes, but this time his grey shirt was slightly opened. Louis noticed the hat on his head, it was brand new and somehow made his traits sharper. He was handsome, more than handsome indeed.  
Louis shook his head to chase his thoughts, thinking about another man beauty was weird. Dorothy Frances was by his side, she was wearing a pink dress and had a white ribbon in her head, she was beautiful but she would never stand up against Harry Styles.  
The global lines of his vision were already blurry, he laughed enjoying the sensation of tipsiness and continued. When Harry saw him he detached himself from Dorothy and grabbed Louis’ shoulder firmly.   
‘Louis! How are you ?’ He smiled and during a split second Louis forgot why he was actually here.   
‘Waiting to show everyone how good I am at dancing. ’ He laughed and Harry’s nose became scrunchy, they both turned their faces to Mrs Frances.   
‘ Dorothy, pleased to see you. ’ the woman greeted Louis back and left them for a moment, reaching some of her friends scattered near the barrier of the stage.   
‘You can feel lucky, she is beautiful.’ Louis mouthed and Harry pouted.   
‘She is.’ He replied back putting his hand off Louis’ shoulder.   
‘What ?’ Louis frowned but still a little smile on his face.  
‘I think she is fond of me.’ Harry took all his time to speak, there was no music in the particular square but people were loud and as usual his voice was really deep so Louis had to keep an eye on his lips to fathom his words.   
‘ I do not want to upset her.’ he followed meanwhile raising his eyebrows.  
‘Are you saying you’re not interested in her?’ Louis heard himself ask.   
‘She is lovely but-’ Louis grabbed Harry’s hat and put it on his head, Harry frowned which made him giggled, he was in a really good mood.   
‘What are you doing Carrot?’ Harry passed his fingers through his hair. Louis noticed it was longer already and obviously messier.   
‘You’ll have to dance with her at least.’ He winked.  
‘Are you mocking me Mister Tomlinson?’ He sounded stern but he had crinkles by his eyes.   
‘I am.’ He displayed his best bitchy face.  
‘Offence taken.’ He stepped forward and grabbed his hat back from Louis’ head. A wave of his perfume hit Louis. ‘I have to find my dancing partner, I reckon we’ll see each other after the ball?’ Louis bowed. ‘ I’ll probably steal your wife for a dance anyway.’ He winked and left. 

The music players started, everyone climbed the stairs to dance on the stage which was nothing more than an elevated wood floor. There was no ceiling but a plain triangle roof made of beams, yellow wood barriers delimiting the area, and banners all around. People quickly disposed tables around the stage.   
Louis danced and danced until his feet were sore, dancing was fun, dancing being drunk was better. Helen was giggling and mocking Louis, she was smiling and care-free. Many men were looking at her for she was radiant. Her white dress fitted her curves perfectly and her green ribbon was underlining her bright eyes. There were people dancing everywhere now, not only in the ‘proper’ stage. They were bare foot on the grass enjoying more space. 

Weirdly enough, everything had changed but nothing was different, despite the war people were still enjoying the annual ball, there were still music, booze and foods. Still smiles on people and rhythm on their hips, The different band scattered here and there in the streets and squares near the principle event were as joyful as the year before. The only difference was that the goods were less numerous as well as Men.

Henry was not here.

Louis left Helen alone went down the stairs of the stage to sit on a chair , there were girls around the table but they did not notice him too interested in the guys singing. 

Everything had changed.

Louis remembered the parties with Henry, it was fun to have a little brother. They had done every first together, first beer, first hangover, first escapade...Suddenly the whole atmosphere changed Louis was as drunk as the second before but everything was clearer and then, it stroke him. He was missing his brother more than anything he had ever missed in his life. His heart started to ache and he tried to close his eyes to relieve the pain. The music, the shouts, the noises everything was suddenly too much. He wanted to escape, he wanted Henry back, the real Henry not some memories, not a grave, his little brother. 

One after the other many harsh realities stroke him; they would not party together anymore, they would not smoke together ever again. Louis would never be an uncle. His brother was dead. He had struggled so hard to bury any feelings, he did not go to ‘visit’ him on the graveyard, he did not write any letters to inform of his death, and Helen quickly had figured his name was forbidden in the house. He simply could not cope with his death so he mentally ran away. But now, the reality was hitting hard.   
He swept his cheeks and stood up to leave the ball area. Helen did not notice, nor any of their friends. His paste was fast and determined even though he was not sure where to go. He crossed many streets, turned right, left and right again before reaching a small alley. Hopefully no one would notice him here. That is why he cried and cried until he had no more tears in his eyes. Until it did not ache as much as it did before. He was sitting on the floor behind the only car parked, despite the good weather everything was cold and dark. He cried in silence occasionally smiling when good memories would cross his mind. He was an empty shell right now. Everything was just senseless, worthless, his work, his shitty obligations, the war, Helen... 

Suddenly he felt the urge to see him. Harry. He stood up and easily found his way back to the front of ball area. He saw Dorothy dancing on the grass and rushed towards her.  
‘Hey! Louis! How you doing?’ She smiled at him, her eyes were dull and her cheek a darker shade of pink, she was utterly drunk.   
‘Hey, where is Harry?’ Her smile faded.   
‘Hm, I think he is around the violists, he wanted to spend some time with you and Helen but you weren’t here so...’ She opened her mouth to say more but Louis was already gone.  
The violists were situated one street away from the dance floor area.

He turned right and reached the street then he saw Harry. He was dancing with Helen. Helen was giggling like a child and Harry was focused on making her swing and turn round and around. They were the only one to dance, other people were looking at us swinging slightly.   
‘Louis!’ Helen cried out, she stepped away from Harry and hugged her husband. Louis wanted to see Harry but he smiled nonetheless.   
Harry quickly joined them.  
‘I’m sorry I didn’t ask you for her hand but you were nowhere to be found.’   
‘Did you have fun?’ Louis gently murmured in Helen’s ear, still holding him tight.   
‘It was fun! He’s a great dancer!’ Harry lowered his head. She stepped back a bit and Louis breathed again. ‘ Where were you?’ Louis shrugged which made Harry smiled. ‘Well... I’ll go back home, I’m tired and my feet are so sore!’ She complained. ‘ I told you it would not be a good idea to wear those heels tonight.’   
‘You are beautiful like that.’ Louis replied quickly and even though she shook her head her traits were lax again.   
‘Let’s take me home.’   
The three of them headed towards their house, Harry waited on the threshold while Louis kissed Helen goodnight. 

‘Where do you want to go ?’ Harry murmured. Louis stepped forward to overpass him.   
‘Climb in the car you’ll see.’ He replied stealing Harry’s hat once again. 

Louis drove around until they reached a sort of valley, in front of them was a mountain, it was not that high and was relatively accessible. 

‘Let’s go.’ Louis smiled taking the bottle of whiskey he had taken from home in his hand.   
‘What about your car Louis? It’s pitch dark we’ll be lost.’ Harry frowned.   
‘Since when you’re the sensible one Carrot?’ Harry shook his head and joined him. 

They climbed for an hour, Harry occasionally offering his hand to help Louis, giggling like children out of breath. The view from the top was mesmerizing, there were the town, and the different rivers, and the fields, a lot of them.  
‘What time is it?’ Louis asked throwing himself in the grass, for his back was sweating the humid grass felt like heaven. Harry joined him right away.   
‘2.’ He said taking the bottle from Louis’ hand. They fingers touched...His hand was warm and soft like he had imagined.   
‘See. We’re not lost.’ Louis giggled.   
‘Shut up you’re drunk.’ Harry mocked, he opened the bottle which was half gone already - because Louis had insisted on drinking while climbing ‘ we have to stay hydrated!’ he would keep repeating - and take a sip, the whiskey was burning his inner cheeks but it felt good.   
Louis did not answer, Harry looked at him, his eyes were closed, it was easy to imagine he was sleeping but the goofy smile on his face was suggesting the opposite. Harry looked at him deeply, his hat suited Louis better, he was almost jealous.   
‘Since when you’re not a sassy bitch?’ Harry spat closing the bottle.   
Louis laughed so hard he had to hold his belly but he did not answer.   
‘Well... Since you don’t want to talk to me, gimme my hat back.’   
In a split second Harry had lifted himself up, put the bottle on the grass and was now sitting on Louis’ waist. They both looked at each other and Harry panicked, what if Louis would freak out? What if he was upset or offended. A certain tension raised in Harry’s chest even though his face was not displaying anything. Maybe he had gone too far, he attempted to move but Louis spoke first. His tone was calm, too calm. In fact, he did not move an inch.   
‘The fuck you think you’re doing Carrot?’ He said putting his hand on the hat.   
There was fire in his eyes, Harry’s conscience shouted to drop it and lay back on the ground but he smiled anyway, finally he had someone to play with.   
His thighs were strongly clutched around Louis’ waist, it was a new sensation for Louis and surprisingly, it felt good. He tried to remember the last time he had been circled around by a guy but the effort was vain, he reckoned he was too drunk to think or something similar. He tried to think about what was wrong and what was right, but again, his effort was vain and Harry was really beautiful.   
Harry tried to take the hat but did not succeed, which made Louis snort.   
‘Nice try though....’ he laughed. 

‘You like to laugh hm? Let’s laugh.’ Harry said raising his hands to put them on Louis’ body. His bows were fast and targeted on the ribs. Louis was trying hard not to laugh but Harry’s hand were too mischievous. 

‘Stop it I’m not a child.’ he tried to mouth between his teeth. He took one of Harry’s arm to make him fall, and against all odds - for Harry’s body was much heavier than Louis’ and the game of his thighs was very strong- Harry felt, on him. His nose crashed again Louis’ bow and he let out a moan. Their chests met, the fabric of their shirts was so thin it was almost warm flesh against warm flesh. Unconsciously Louis put his hands on Harry’s back, he felt his sharp muscles against his palms and the curve of his lower back. His body felt almost too hot against his bare hands but for a split second he thought that maybe he could sneak them under Harry’s grey shirt to feel the burn even more. 

Harry shook his head and pouted. He lifted himself up on his hand but his whole body was completely spread on Louis now. His face was just in front Louis’, their noses could almost touch.   
‘Sorry.’ Louis muttered, his head was spinning from alcohol and everything he could see was Harry. Maybe it was better to just stay on the ground...  
‘What for? ’ Harry muttered back. Louis smelled his breath, it was a mixture of whiskey and... Harry. Louis noticed that the dark circles under his eyes had faded a bit, was he sleeping finally?   
‘ Jeopardizing your pretty face obviously. I don’t want Dorothy to get mad.’ Louis tried his best to act normal even though Harry’s left leg was on his crotch and it was difficult to think about anything else. His hands were still on Harry’s back and the younger was not apparently bothered so Louis figured it could not be a big deal. 

Harry smile was so large it made him look like a frog. His features were so sharp and masculine. He was truly handsome. His lips were a dark shade of pink and seemed soft. He had a few scars on his cheeks but they were perfect in a strange kind of way. His hair was messy, Louis reckoned it must be curly when longer.   
‘What are you doing?’ Harry questioned, his voice was almost inaudible. Louis started a bit, he had not realized he was glaring at him. He looked at Harry straight in his eyes, they were burning with passion, it was like staring at the whole universe. 

Louis frowned. Suddenly he remembered ‘ what do you want Louis?’ what did he want? He wanted to go, climb down the mountain and sleep in his bed. He wanted to join Helen and forget everything about that night. He wanted to go as far as possible. He wanted to NOT feel comfortable, NOT to feel good. 

No. Not at all.   
Maybe he should have but it was not how he felt. 

He wanted to feel Harry’s weight and grip on him over and over again, he wanted to touch his skin under the fabric to feel every inch of his back, to discover every curve, every muscle. He wanted to taste, smell, look, hear and feel him. He wanted to give Harry his hat back because he was mesmerizing with it. He wanted to drive around again singing silly songs and talking about cars.   
Maybe he could just see how it felt...Maybe it would not be that bad. Maybe everything was just in his mind because he was drunk and his brain was messing with him. Maybe it was a dream, the sweetest in a long time. 

Louis put his hands on Harry’s back and forced him to bend further, Harry frowned uncertain of Louis' desire. The older repeated his move and Harry let go. Their lips crashed against each other. The contact was warm, hasten, violent even. Harry put one hand on Louis’ jaw, the other still resting on the grass. Instinctively he moved his left leg up and down and Louis let out a moan in Harry’s mouth. 

It took Harry every ounce of strength he had to stop the kiss. It felt like splitting in two and God knew it was painful. 

‘We can’t do that. I’m sorry.’ 

He sighed deeply and lifted himself up with difficulty. He was turning his back to Louis, his hands in his pockets. His whole body was aching for the guy laying on the grass. But this was the best thing to do, the situation was insane and it had to be stopped. 

‘I can’t drive and you can’t either.’ was the first thing Louis mouthed.  
‘Let’s sleep in your car it’s freezing.’ 

The return was quicker than expected, they reached the car, Louis laid on the back seat, and threw the hat on the driver seat without realizing it. Harry sat on the front passenger, his legs spread on the dashboard. 

Louis fell asleep almost immediately, Harry lit a cigarette in the utter silence. 

_Fucking hat._


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry was already nothing but a bad memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!   
> After one month, here is chapter 10, this story will end soon! I've decided to hurry things because I will never finish it otherwise! I'll try to udapte it soon!!   
> I have put links so you can picture the last scene - for I did not put many details of the environment.   
> Tell me what to think as always :) 
> 
> be careful: anger/homophobic content / violence
> 
> Reminder that if you're part of the lgbtq+ fam, you are loved and you deserve the world. This chapter is for you ♥ 
> 
> enjoy, lots of love xx

> _Louis put his hands on Harry’s back and forced him to bend further, their lips crashed against each other. The contact was warm, hasten, violent even. Harry put one hand on Louis’ jaw, the other still resting on the grass. Instinctively he moved his left leg up and down and Louis let out a moan in Harry’s mouth._

 

‘Hi’ Louis muttered stretching his legs.   
'You snored all night.' Harry replied before opening the door of the car.   
Louis quickly joined him, both leaning against the side of the car. Harry’s traits were serious, and the dark circles under his eyes were swollen again. He had not sleep a wink, thinking about what happened on the grass the night before. The weather was cool, the dew was slowly evaporating and the sun was making its way through the fog. The cigarette between Harry’s lips seemed to be the only source of warmth.

‘What time is it?’ Louis muttered rubbing his face.

‘6.’ Harry mouthed.

Louis’ mouth formed a small ‘oh’, Harry was calmer than usual Louis had not think it could be possible. The silence fell once again,  the strong breathings of Harry exhaling his puffs casually breaking the void.   
' something wrong?' Louis frowned.

'Nothing. ' he replied straight back.  
'Last night was fun, I only remember struggling not to fall and break the bottle while we climbed but it was fun!' Louis said a big smile on his face.

Harry turned his head to stare at Louis, he had wrinkles by his eyes and seemed sincere, half of him was glad to see his smile, the other sad, or disappointed maybe. Louis did not remember the kiss.

 

‘This is not even a mountain.’ Harry replied a small smile on his face.

Everything was so blurry when he would not sleep. The pills given by Helen were sufficient for a night but then, without it, Harry was a complete zombie. He thought that maybe the pills were not a good idea, maybe he should find another help but at this point, the only efficient help would be to hit his own head with a hammer. Somehow he was missing the whole point of being alive, of feeling alive. He had passed the night peering at Louis, thinking about the sound of his moan on his own lips, his crotch under his knee and how it felt to break their kiss.

He turned around to face Louis and put the cigarette between his lips, it lasted a split second but Louis’s lower lip touched Harry’s index. Harry glanced at his lips, trying not to remember the exquisite taste of it. Louis muttered something but Harry did not pay attention. His mind quickly went back to track and he moved aside.

‘Gonna pee.’

‘Don’t get lost.’ Louis replied a tiny smile on his face.

‘Fuck me.’ Harry shouted.

~

‘Please Harry! Admit it!’ Helen said giggling.

‘Alan Mowbray is not handsome Helen.’ Harry replied smiling at her.

Usual Friday mornings meant massages of his right knee and shoulders. Helen would come to his house, massage him and then they would chat about any topics carefully chosen by Helen until she would have to go to the hospital or meet someone else.

‘A friend of mine told me I look like Irene Hervey but I think she was lying.’ Helen followed.

‘Who’s she playing?’

‘Harry… Don’t you read the newspapers? She’s Adriana. Not a big fan of musical film aren’t you?’

‘Sorry.’ Harry smiled apologetically.

‘Have you read the political column? Roosevelt is the number one favourite. Oh and… Brighton has been bombed.’ She bent her head and stopped for a moment.

‘I heard it on the radio.’

‘Poor people, this is so sad.’ She muttered before going back to the massage, this time slower.

‘Can I ask you something?’

‘Of course, Harry! Of course.’ She repeated a smile on her face again.

‘Could it be possible not to take the pills, they make me numb.’

‘Oh… Is your sleep better?’

'Yes.' He smiled.

'We don't lie to friends.' Helen did not even bother to look up.

‘No. But it’s worse when I take them. I can ask the doctor or-’

‘No need to call the doctor, you’re not a priority anymore, there are so many soldiers in those hospitals you know...’

Harry was relieved. Not a priority anymore meant no more trouble, no more explanations, no more threats of going to a mad house. 

‘Please?’ He inquired.

‘You are not taking them anymore anyway, what can I tell you? I’m not your mother.’

‘How did you figure?’ Harry smiled.

‘You look awful.’ She giggled. 'But if you stop wandering with my husband in the middle of the night maybe things could be better.' She paused and looked up ' I don't want to interfere with men stuff but what did you all night long?' 

Harry scratched the bottom of his head, he looked at the window, no wind. He looked back to Helen, her forehead was a little sticky, the weather was so hot and the day was the beginning. 

'We drunk.'

'What did I say about drinking too much ?' She frowned.

'I stopped. I only drink when I'm with your husband.' 

'So my husband is the problem hm?' She laughed.

'I guess he is yes.' 

'I'm glad you two are friends. Remember when you first came here? Argh, I was so scared you two would not get along! It's a good thing you're here, he won't admit that of course but, since Henry died everything is so bleak you know?' 

_I know_ Harry thought. He did know. Harry looked at Helen and a strange feeling crossed his chest. Truth was, he did not know much about Louis, he did not know the details of his body or how he liked his coffee in the morning nor if he would sing or not in the shower yet somehow he felt pity for Helen. Looking at her he realised that, maybe he did not know everything about Louis, maybe the small details were unknown but at least he knew that when they had kissed, Louis had been all his, Helen would never have him that way. There were no reasons to be jealous of her because someday Louis would remember how he had felt under Harry's lips. Someday.

 

Or maybe he would not.

 

'Harry?'

'Hm?'

'Is that okay?'

'Sorry I-'

'I was asking you to help Louis fixing my mom's new car? Well she does not know how to drive but one of my grand cousin gave it to her and maybe we could try to sell it once it's fixed?'

'When ?'

'Tomorrow afternoon, my family went in the north for George's birthday, George is  the husband of my cousin Charlotte. Anyway, the house will be empty so you'll plenty time and place to fix it?' She displayed her best smile.

'No need to use your charms Helen, I'm in.'

 

~

 

'I foockin' told ya it was a mess!' Louis wiped his forehead with a dirty towel.

' You look like shit.' Louis frowned, he had oil engine all around his face.

' What?' He shouted.

'Look at your face.' Harry replied hiding a tiny smile. Louis did look at his face in the window of the car and whinged even more. Harry laughed until Louis decided it was enough and threw the towel at his face.

'That's not kind.' Louis take off his white shirt and swept his face with it, his chest and trunk were all sweaty and gleaming. His  ripped blue jeans were down to his waist revealing some of his public hair.

'Fuck me if I care, I'm having a break.'  He overtook Harry who turned around to peer at his back. He imagined for a split second how warm it must have felt under his hands and wished he could bite his shoulders but then reality stroke him, the [car](https://www.google.ie/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=imgres&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwijnfSSo67QAhWlCcAKHamdDGAQjRwIBw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fantiqueau.net%2Fchrysler-antique-cars%2F&psig=AFQjCNE6n70tF-rRmMgcPQq2nqj6HQu5xw&ust=1479420009700109).

 

There were some serious pieces to fix but Harry was used to fixing cars since he was 8, this one the only activity he and his dad would both like. They would fix old cars parked in their garden every Sunday, even break some pieces on purpose to fix them back.

 Before they moved out in  Tiptree they had 3 or 4 cars, and for the time it was a lot, even Harry as a child had known that, the perks of being rich. Harry did not know if his father still had the cars now, he had not come into the house since his return from war and would certainly not go.

He was a stranger to the place, and the worst part was that he had felt that way since they had moved out, before his enrolment, when his father had declared his son ' abnormal'. His role in the new house would basically consist in not existing, not going out, not breathing too hard. He was a shame, a secret to keep, that was why Louis had not recognize him nor did anyone in town.

 

After a couple of hours he joined Louis sitting on the [threshold](https://www.google.ie/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=imgres&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjSot_eoq7QAhVpIcAKHYM8B0UQjRwIBw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.phmc.state.pa.us%2Fportal%2Fcommunities%2Farchitecture%2Fstyles%2Fbungalow.html&psig=AFQjCNE4EFuaG7jNaw5YCcRDRRxevStciA&ust=1479419894092863), his shirt in his hand. His whole body was shiny from the drops of sweat of his bow to the gleaming line on his stomach.

'Done.' Louis laughed, his traits were relax now.

'No shit?' He looked up.

'No shit.' Harry looked down and smiled at him. ' What  did you do for two hours?'

'Sleeping. Oh and I ate a piece of pie left in the kitchen of the house.'

'No fucking way' Harry snorted. 'Is there any piece left?'

' Nope.' He smiled, Harry sat next to him and threw his shirt at Louis' face. A wave of perfume hit Louis' nose, female perfume.

'Dorothy all'round.'

'What?'

'Please. Your shirt smells like her.' He grabbed the shirt and put it on his side.

'Oh.' Harry replied sheepishly.

'Why are you so fucking silent all the time? You can tell me you know?' Louis laughed staring at Harry. The latter snorted. ' What?' Louis followed straight away irritated.

'I could tell you things that's true…' Harry glared back at him.

'But?' He scoffed.

'But -'

'Spit it out jeez!'

'But you would not trust me anyway.' Harry replied scrunching his nose. Louis stood up speechless. He stared at Harry in silence for a while. The more they waited the more charged with tension the atmosphere was.

'The fuck?'

'What?' Harry looked up.

'The fuck??' Louis raised his eyebrows.

'Remember when we met in the fields?'

'Hell yeah I remember why would you cross a field at 6 in the damn morning anyway?' Louis could feel the sunbeams on his spine it could have been sweet if not compared to the feeling in his chest. Harry was exposed to the sun more beautiful than ever, his eyes were almost close, actually he barely could see Louis.

'I tried to talk to you but you would not let me.'

'I what? I told you to speak you were silent. What's your point? '

' Remember every time you saw me in town after I hurt Helen? How you avoided me? Remember when you told her  I was a fucking liar, that my family was not dead?' Louis opened his mouth in shock ' Yes, Helen told me. Funny how talkative she is when it comes to you.'

 

He sounded more disdainful than expected. A part of him could not help having bitter feelings towards her, she was a lovely woman but still, she had Louis in more ways that she deserved, at least according to Harry.

 

At the thought of it, she was not even nice, genuinely nice. Harry had figured she was just there to watch him, watch the freak.

'That's because you're a fucking liar.' Louis spat, he looked down at Harry with contempt.

 What was happening ? There was no need to get mad, everything was fine, how come did they end up talking about THAT anyway?

Harry laughed and stood up, he stepped forward to reach Louis, their noses were almost touching, Louis' breath was a mixture of apricot pie and his natural flavour. He grabbed his arm and drag him on his side so as to see him properly.

' Yes I was with Dorothy earlier.'

 

Louis was the older but he was feeling very small right now, getting mad was one thing, seeing Harry getting mad was another. He was too close and too dangerous, a part of him still believed he could get violent again for he had killed man in the past, it was a fact so yes technically he could do it again. Plus, his mind was a mess, he could have a fit  and break everything around him like he had done in his own house before. Another part of him was craving more contact so maybe being punched was not too bad. He could not see a thing now, Harry's body was hiding the sun, his whole face was a shadow, his features sharper than ever. Yet he could feel his irritation, anger even. For the first time Louis was able to truly see his bare chest, his muscles were lean and sharp, against all odds it was not covered by scars or bruises. It was shiny, sharp, masculine…

 

' See. Easy to tell the truth.' Louis spat, his heart pounding. Harry stepped back and laughed, a genuine laugh. How could the situation amuse him right now?

 'And yes Louis, my mother is well dead. My father is dead to me so I guess that counts ? What else do you want to know Louis hm? My favourite ice cream flavour? Mint-chocolate. Satisfied? ' He went back to the threshold and grabbed his shirt to put it back on.

 'Why is your father dead to you?' Louis shouted back.

 'You would not understand…' Harried replied even though his whole body was hoping Louis would.

 'I'm not dumb for Christ sake!' He put one hand on his waist and the other in front of his head, it was a really sunny day. Harry attempted to go back to Helen's mom car. ' Don't you dare fucking run !'

 

Harry turned back.

 

' I'm sick Louis!' It could have been because of the sun or not, Harry had tears in his eyes nonetheless.

 'The fuck you're sick? You walk like a fucking penguin sometimes and you're a freaking zombie half of the time but you're not sick!'

 'Stop pretending you know me!' Harry raspy voice shouted.

 The pain in Louis chest was almost unbearable now. Somehow it hurt more than anything else, they were friends, Louis knew Harry, not as much as he wanted but he knew him no one could deny that not even the man himself. He had been here for him, to entertain him and chat with him even though most of the time they were just shit talking because of the alcohol in their veins. Still, he knew him.

 

 'Fuck you.' Louis spat shaking his head.

'Fuck you. What's the point of making me talk ? You always want to talk Louis! I'm sick of it.' Harry emptied his lungs with difficulty.

'I'm your fucking friend you fucking dumbass. I could have punch you in the face when you acted like a jerk, when you lied, when you went nuts. I did not!'

 'I don't want your pity. ' Harry replied contemptuously and Louis laughed.

'I don't have time for pity nor for your ' I'm sick' bullshit.' Louis started to move in direction of his car ' I'm driving.' But Harry did not move.

 'What do you want Louis?' He said calmly, Louis turned back, his hands already in his pockets searching for the keys.

 'What?' The sun was too bright he could not see Harry's expression again.

'Does it really matter?'

'What you talkin' about? '

'Knowing the truth. Does it really matter?'

 

Louis' throat was sore, telling how he felt to Harry was harder than expected.

 

'It does, but you telling me things is more important.' 

 He wanted to add something like ' that's what friends do, they tell each other important thing' but he did not. It did not feel right because actually, it was more than just friendship duties of some kind, it was about feeling equal. Louis had told him so many of his secrets already, it was not fair to always talk and never listen. He wanted to listen, he would never admit it to himself but he wanted to make Harry as comfortable as he was. He wanted to give back,  things to be reciprocal even though he was not sure of the nature of those 'things'.

 'I don't want to tell you.' He said a strange expression on his face, was it fear?

'This conversation is done then. Let's go home.' Louis turned back again and began to walk.

 

Harry breathed in and out, completely out of his mind, he would not bear Louis running from him. He could not cope with Louis knowing the truth either. He emptied his sore lungs and clenched his jaw so hard his teeth gnashed in anger. This was unfair. Louis had not the right to just mess up with him, to just force him to talk. Fucking unfair. It had been a lovely day, fuck he hated this day.

 

'I love men!'

 

Louis stopped.

 

 He took his time to turn around but Harry wish he had not because the horror on his face  directly stabbed Harry's heart.

' You what?' He squinted his eyes. Harry exhaled deeply. His left hand was touching his mouth, the other was touching the back of his head. He felt like 15 again, insecure and sheepish. Sick. He was defenceless.

 'Please don't tell anyone Louis I-'

'I don't want anyone to think I befriend with abominations.' Louis spat without thinking. Harry's jaw dropped. He swept the tears on his cheeks and overtook Louis without any second glance, his head bent.

'Get in the car H.' Harry did not stop. It was stifling hot, the tears in his eyes were burning his cheeks, his chest was numb and heavy, so heavy.

'M alright.' He muttered sniffling.

' I can drive you home at least.' He followed, Harry turned around.

' forget me.' He said looking straight in Louis' eyes.

 

Louis did not reply but the expressions on his face were crystal clear: contempt, stupor, horror. It felt like Harry was already nothing but a bad memory.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Damn you'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!   
> So here is chapter 11 ! Just so you know, there will be 4 more chapters ( And an alternative chapter at the end) :) I have put element on time on this one so you can easily understand!   
> I've been inspired by letters written by gays over the time, here is the link if you need cuteness and love in your life have a look : http://rictornorton.co.uk/dearboy.htm 
> 
> BEWARE of the content! there are homophobic, suicidal and sexe references. 
> 
> I dedicate this one to my lgbtqa+ fam, we are beautiful, we are strong and we deserve equal rights, never doubt that. Special tribute to Helena, my dear friend, I love you very much ♥ 
> 
> Don't forget the feedbacks,   
> enjoy !   
> xx

August 3rd 

Thank god it is not hot anymore, the wind is pretty strong now. The Luftwaffe has started to target the cost, the convoys and ships. The RAF is trying hard to defend England. The Nazis want 'peace'. Churchill was right, the battle of Britain has began.  What will come next? Bombings ? Hopefully we are far from the costs but manufactures and farms are easy targets… We must have faith in our forces.

August 4th

You are sick and I can't sleep.

August 5th

Helen must know.

She asked me why I did not visit you this week like I'm used to. I don't know what to tell her. I want to talk to you, I really do but I cannot, I must not. I don't know anything about your disease. Maybe it can spread and affect us, me…I don't want that. I don't want to be sick. No one knows what this is about, it is not right Harry. I wish you were not sick.

I cannot kept thinking about all the time you touched me, how you casually touched my shoulders and arms, how you would hug me when we were drunk. It disgusts me so much I feel nauseous.

August 6th

I would pray the lord to help you but I'm scared what he might do to you. I do not even fathom how you could… feel attracted to men. What if I told someone, a doctor could certainly cure you, pray Harry, please pray to be cured.

August 7th

I rummaged through Helen's medical records this morning, there was nothing much, 4 or 5 sentences dedicated to each of her patients. I saw your name, I read what I already knew ' Lack of sleep and awareness / rheumatisms / no major handicap due to war duties' I could have stopped here I should have but then, I saw the last line and I could not help reading, ' Obscene behaviour during duties (any similar activities will be reported to the doctor in charge of the case ) ' I put it back as I found it. I stood dumb, ashamed and speechless. I went to work eager to come back home to drink myself to sleep.

Farmers have started to sow kale and cabbages for Autumn. It's hard in the fields, we surely need more water. The afternoons are cloudy but there is not a single drop of rain. I miss the beginning of July.

 She found me half drunk on the sofa, I told her I had visited you. I cannot believe she knows. I assume your disease cannot be spread otherwise you would have been taken in charge earlier, taken away from the population...

 

_August 9th_

August 9th

~~We need to talk.~~

_~_

'He knows Mama, I told him.' Harry said sniffling.

The graveyard was completely silent for the sun had not risen yet, actually the dawn was still far. His head on the cold stone he tried to breathe in and out until the weight of the void in his chest felt too heavy and he burst into tears.

 'I've made a mistake Mama, I'm so sorry. I promised you I wouldn't tell anyone, it felt so easy with him. We kissed...we kissed. ' He sniffled and coughed with difficulty before continuing,

' Please forgive me. I pray the lord everyday to change, every day.'

He paused and looked at the sky,

' Remember when you told me those shiny beams in the night were just angels saying hi to the leavings ? Are you watching right now or are you just ashamed of what I've become?'

He closed his eyes hoping the tears would stop. He rested in silent for a long moment.

'I wish I was dead. I wish I could go back to war and die as a hero.' He stopped and swept his nose with the back of his hand.

‘Forgive me Mama for what I’m about to do.’

 

~

 

 _Come on Harry answer._ He knocked at the door again. He waited and waited on the threshold until eventually he heard a voice.

' What do you want?' Harry said through the door.

'Open the door.' Louis replied firmly. He waited again until the door opened.

The air in the house was charged with vomit and smoke. Louis felt instantly nauseous but remained silent.The windows were shut and the curtains closed. Harry shut the door and went in the living room. Louis followed him in silence, wondering if Harry had gone out or even opened the window since the incident. Papers were scattered on the desk again, it did not happen in ages, Louis did not dare glance at them but promise himself he would ask Harry about them one day.  He stood in front of Harry, hiding behind the cloud of his cigarette. His pyjamas were dirty and slightly worn out, he had no shoes on. Louis noticed that his cheeks were hollow, his whole aspect was ghastly. There was a loaf of bread on the tea table, the ashtray and an empty cup of what seemed to be tea.

 ' Can it be cured?' He asked in a low voice too frightened by his own words. The room was so silent they could have heard a pin drop.

Harry folded his legs and brought them to his chest. He started to peer at the cup mindlessly, the cigarette slowly fading between his lips.

'I don't know.' He muttered.

Louis swallowed with great difficulty, what now? He had his answer, was he supposed to leave now? Was he supposed to tell someone? No. He could not do that, he would be in trouble too if the police knew he had befriended with him. Harry would certainly be taken somewhere.

'Why are you here?' The long-legged asked putting his cigarette between his fingers.

'I wanted to ask-'

'You just did. Now go.' Harry raised his tone slightly, without looking at Louis. He put the cigarette between his lips and inhaled deeply, its glimmer was bringing Harry’s lips and chin into light.  It was, what seemed like the only source of glow in the room. Truth was, even in the dark Louis could feel Harry’s sadness and concern, he had learnt step by step how to decrypt him, sometimes it was an impossible task, but today his pain was obvious and it was heartbreaking.

'Fine.' Louis muttered, he turned his head to the door and went straight. He opened the door and stopped. For the blinds were shut in Harry's house the sun felt too bright and Louis had to close his eyes. He frowned and bit his lower lip, why was the situation so painful? He breathed in and out deeply and felt blood on his tongue.

 

He closed the door, turned back and joined Harry again who looked at him with a blank face.

'Are you…attracted… to me?' Louis throat was so sore it genuinely hurt. He put one hand on his pockets and started to play with his matchbox.

He looked at Harry whose nose was wrinkled, he had a smile on his face which made Louis even more uncomfortable. He extinguished his cigarette and put it in the cup.

'No. Now go away.' He said firmly.

 He was mindlessly caressing one of his knee, there was something dark about him, something Louis could not fathom.He looked miserable, broken.

Louis realized he had forgotten to breathe and deeply filled his lungs.

'I'll go.'

Harry finally looked at him, straight in the eye.

'Before you go, I'll tell you one truth so we can be equal for once.' He stopped, hesitated and  focused on Louis again:

' Remember when we went to this stupid hill ? We kissed. You kissed me actually.' He said in a bitter ton.

Hardly had Harry pronounced the words when Louis rushed to the armchair, bent forward and took him by the rim of his vest.

'Never said that again, you hear me?' Their faces were so close now, Harry noticed the blood in the corner of his lips, a vague of whiskey hit his nose.

'You didn't have the balls to come here sober, did you?' Harry replied without any fear, he was feeling proud actually.

'Never. Say. That. Again.' He spat every words.

'You do remember.' Harry stated and Louis froze.

It could not be true. Sure Louis had dreamt about green eyes since that night but it could NOT be him, it obviously was Helen's eyes. The night pictured in his mind was just another random night and the grass was just plain grass. It was not true. He was pretty sure to remember seeing Helen's face in his dreams anyway… He was not sick, he could not have done that.

He tried to remember the night, the hill and the climb, still clenching Harry’s shirt. Pictures started to flow in his mind, the ride, the alcohol, the humid grass and Harry’s weight.

'Damn you.' Harry murmured before grabbing Louis' shirt to seal their lips.

Louis tried to step back but Harry's grasp was too strong. He put his tongue on Louis' mouth and tasted him. Louis had to put his hands on Harry's body not to fall. Harry put his other hand on the back of his neck and his nails into his scalp fisting his hair so hard it hurt, Louis moaned.

He closed his eyes and tighten his grip on Harry's lap who dig his tongue deeper into Louis' mouth, he stumbled to stand up and forced Louis to stepped back until his back hit the door frame of the living room. Harry was not fragile anymore, his whole body was pressed against Louis. The former put his hands against Harry's waist and held tight.

Harry stepped back, his lips were fleshy and shiny, his eyes full of burning desire. He stared at Louis silently,  now he knew eyelashes could be hot. He cupped Louis' face and slowly outlined his lower lip with his thumb. Louis frowned and stood numb stuck between Harry's half-opened mouth and the tenderness of his move. Harry stuck his finger in Louis' mouth to meet his tongue.

'Suck.'

Louis caught Harry's eyes, the flame made Louis’ body burn through the skies and ignite like a phoenix. It was a pleasure to burn.

He carefully sucked his finger.

He was drunk, not because of the glass of whiskey he had swollen before going to Harry’s, he was drunk because of Harry himself, for his touch was making his heart race and the thoughts  in his mind when their eyes met were the most beautiful whisper he had ever heard.

He gently licked Harry’s thumb and closed his eyes, he could feel Harry smile. Harry stepped closer and kiss his skin between his jaw and earlobe. His breath was warm and smelled like tobacco, Louis inhaled deeply feeling Harry’s nose caressing his hair and his hand on his neck.

Harry tried to pull out his thumb but Louis pinched his lips, the feeling was too good to let go.

‘What do you want Louis?’ He whispered in Louis’ ear, the latter shivered.

Harry removed his hand from Louis’ neck and slid it  to reach Louis’ crotch, Louis took Harry’s hand in his but did not stop the move. He caressed the fabric of the jeans and frowned.

‘I’ll remove my thumb now.’ He whispered slowly before placing his face in front of Louis who let go.

Louis eventually opened his eyes and peered at Harry, eyes still closed, he could feel his hand on his crotch and his other hand was now against his back.

At this instant he felt like an animal and animals don't know sin, do they?

~

August 9th

My tortures reached such a pitch that I lost both appetite and sleep again. Funny how I used to lack of sleep because of some war memories and now I cannot sleep a wink because of you.

I was suffering not only from anguish and distress  but also from a  feeling of fear and the devil only knows what else. It took me five days to lost my mind at the thought of living without you. A single day without you makes my body sore, you are in many ways more destructive than what I had to face in France.

I thought I would lose you after hurting Helen, I was nothing but an empty shell back then. I made a mistake again, revealing my sin to you was nothing but irresponsible.

Those decisions make me weak and hollow, you make me weak how very dare you... 

Like I said I thought I had lost you again so this early morning, after I visited my mother I decided to go home and drink myself dead, it had the only effect to make me vomit, over and over again. I was in such state of miserableness I could only laugh about it. I cleaned the toilets and put my pyjamas to sleep. I slept a couple of hours and woke up at the thought of you and your words, abomination.

For I had not go out this past days my knee was numb and painful. I sat at my desk and write and write and write. I attempted to open a window but it was too hot, too bright.

I ate a loaf of bread and left the rest, the sensation of being full was repulsive, at least when you are hollow there is nothing much someone can take from you.

 

You came, you knocked and I jumped off my chair. I knew it was you, who else?

We talked.

I told you the truth, I expressed myself to the only purpose of upsetting you, how selfish of me. I wanted you to be hurt like I was hurt, I reckon this was nothing but revenge. I have to admit a part of me wanted you to remember what we did, to crave it back, again nothing but revenge.

We kissed.

 I blame myself for the entire degradation I allowed you to bring on me. I could not resist the taste of your lips, I will always remember the face you made, how tense you were until our lips met. You were in complete distress, lost in the flow of destructive thoughts and I gave up. I had to feel you once again.

Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to you to run away; I wanted you to say those words I loath, to say the words that hurt. God knows I wished you would come just to say goodbye, to make me hate you, but somehow I felt ashamed to leave you empty-hearted. As I said you make me weak Louis and I hate that. I hate myself for adoring what you are.

We touched.

How sweet and tender. Your warmth  leads me to think  you are here to teach me the pleasure of life, perhaps I could teach you the meaning of sorrow in return?  I felt you, I breathed you, what a feeling ! The simple thought of it and I’m whole again. I only can remember the essence of your mouth, I’m thrilled. Kill me now if you did not like it.

I let you go again, I let you escape me without a fuss in the hope you’d miss what we had.

I have only one desire now, come to me with all you've got, throw your demands in my face for I love them and find a true closeness, not only because the emotionality you have is, I believe, distorted by loneliness, but also because on my part,  I want you more than anyone at this stage.

 

Tonight I’ll finally sleep - peacefully and all night long- for as soon as I’ll close my eyes, you’ll be there to soothe me.

 

_three days later_

‘It’s numb.’

‘No it’s not.’ Harry gently pushed him towards the grave. ‘ This one, isn’t it?’

‘Yes...Harry?’ Louis turned his head to look at Harry.

‘Hm?’

‘Could you... stay?’ Harry smiled gently and nodded.

‘Ok...hm- Hi Henry’ He sat beside the stone, Harry stayed on his feet, his hands behind his back. ‘ I should apologize, I could have visited you earlier I know, well-’ he cleared his throat ‘ this is Harry Styles.’

‘Nice to meet you Henry, If you’d excuse me I have to talk to my mother.’ He winked at Louis who looked astound, how could he do that?

‘You said you’d stay. ‘ Louis said rising his eyebrows.

‘He’s your brother.’ He replied simply as if it would suffice as an excuse. ‘ Tell me when you’re done, sadly this cemetery isn’t much visited and the only people coming are already deaf anyway.’  Louis snorted and watched Harry walking towards the opposite direction.

 

‘I’m sorry for your stone, it’s shite... Well- you already know my diary by heart what am I supposed to tell you? ‘ he snorted and looked up to see Harry smiling. ‘ Harry is... hm- how  could I say that without you freaking out?’ he closed his eyes and frowned ‘ it does not feel right brother, with Helen I mean. I wish I could understand so you would too. Well-’ he scratched his head, his eyes still closed. ‘ We kissed and I ran away of course, but it didn’t feel right, to- to run away ya know. But we did not talk about it, it’s been three days and I didn’t do anything but he came this morning and forced me to get here.’ He paused realising what he had just said ‘ No offence little lad, ya know what I mean, it’s creepy here... I should say hi to Mom and Dad don’t you think? I’m so mad right now, I wish things were different, I think- I told him he was an abomination Henry, and I believe that, but- if it feels right does this mean I am too? Does-’ he sighted deeply. ‘ This is really bad I know. He fucked up my life... Why am I smiling jeez...’ He shook his head.

 

The situation was just nonsensical, how could someone loathe and adore someone at the same time? Louis’ mind was constantly changing from hatred to attraction. Knowing that Harry had a taste for men was painful, adoring him anyway was painful, being with him was painful, being without him was worse. Everything was just bitter-sweet and Louis hated that. He hated Harry for who he was and hated the fact that he hated him. It was exhausting.

Hatred: Harry did not deserve that, sick or not, Harry was just Harry and at the end of the day it was what it was: Harry being the reason of Louis’ smile regardless of his disease.

 

During those three days, Louis had time to recall every time Harry had  touched him, the first time had been in the bar when Harry had touched his knee, the second time? When they had been talking near the river, _‘What do you want Louis?’_ .

Louis could list so many moments it was simply ridiculous. If it did not matter why did he remember those moments anyway? Why were they the reason of his sleep and the cause of his erect penis in the morning? Why not remembering the first kiss ? This was the million dollar question. Maybe it was a sign of protection against the sin, but why did not he leave the house when Harry ordered him to, though?

Louis had to find a solution otherwise he would go crazy, he knew that, his head was a mess already. He had to be strong.

‘Louis?’ he started.

‘Hm?’ He looked up, Harry.

‘I think it’s time for you to go to work.’ Louis frowned he had arrived here five minutes ago. ‘ I didn’t want to disturb you and your brother but you said we’d stay 20 minutes and it’s been almost an hour...’ _What the ??_

‘Oh. Well- I- okay, I’ll come back brother.’ He felt his cheeks redden, stood up to overtake Harry and walked as fast as possible to get out of the graveyard. Harry did not move and smiled.

‘He will come back.’ he said proudly.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 7 minutes and 42 seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK FOLKS ♥
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this last chapter as much as I do. BEWARE sexual, suicidal, violence content !! 
> 
> Thank you for all your feedbacks and support, I really enjoyed writing it for you ♥ I'm proud of the protagonists I created, I love them dearly !
> 
> I've already written Infinities, Through Thick and Thin and now that LIAB is done I can fairly say this is my best fic ! I started another fic, hope you'll like it when it is posted ;) 
> 
> All the love as always,  
> Be happy and stay strong  
> xxx

'No.'

'Come on Hazza.' Louis replied irritated.

'I said no.' Harry smiled.

'Stop smiling, it's a good idea and you know it. Plus, soon you won't receive any money from the state.'

'I'm not qualified.'

'Bullshit.' Louis replied straight away, he made Harry snort. ' You are good with your hands'  Harry burst out of laugh ' Jeez, I didn't mean it that way. Please just consider it. I'm sure if you work hard Niall will sell you a car for almost nothing.'

'Fine.'

'Fine?' Louis asked smiling from ear to ear.

'Fine.' Harry muttered.

'I'll tell Niall you said yes, I think you're going to start  next Monday!'

'Don't be so excited.' Harry said a dirty smile on his face.

'Why?' Louis frowned.

'Because you'll miss me.'

'I won't.' Louis followed.

'You miss me already.'

' I- No I don't.' Louis' cheeks reddened.

Harry was so pretentious and astonishing, just his presence was hard to cope with. The more he would feel uncomfortable the prouder Harry would be. It had been a week since their passionate kisses in Harry's house, and Louis still had mixed feelings about the whole situation but on the other hand it was hard for him to fight the urge to talk to Harry, see him, spend time with him. It was hard not to dream of him, neither to think of him, nor to write about him.

He wanted to shout, to cry, to talk, to run away but deep down all he wanted was to be free.

As for Harry, he was more frightened that he had ever been but he was determined not to let Louis know that, of course he should not know. So Harry would just tease Louis and display his best smile. Everything was so easy when they were together, in a private sphere, hiding away from the world.

But the fact is, the world would not stop turning because they wanted it to. There were constant threats of someone seeing them, Helen catching some words, silly nicknames such as ' Mister carrot' or even 'Hazza', not to mention the 'strange' looks they would exchange. They were hiding who they were so hard it hurt. Especially for Louis because he was not used to it and he wanted to scream how bad he was, how confused everything seemed to be, but he could not. He was stuck in voicelessness. The only one who could listen to him was Harry but it was too difficult to talk to him… about him. Louis could not do that, not now.

 

How could he tell him how sharp is jaw was, how muscular his back was, how both of them were driving him crazy? ' Hey Harry, I kinda want you to make me come, how you doing by the way?' Nope. It would not work.

 

'Stop thinking.' Harry broke the silence. He was leaning against the counter of the kitchen, the sky was pitch-dark, the street was empty, the whole atmosphere was peaceful.

'What?!' Louis frowned.

'Lou.' Harry said calmly. He put one hand on the counter and peered at him intensely. His other hand was holding a half-consumed cigarette.

'Don't give me that look.'  Louis turned his head. He looked around, the room was small, there were only two chairs, a table and the basic furniture needed to cook. Harry seemed so tall and… impressive in the shimmering light. He felt the urge to run away and never come back.

'I want to-'

'Stop.' Louis muttered shaking his head.

'Why?'

'I don't want you to say those words.'

'What words?'

'Stop it Harry.'

'What do you want then?' _Always this fucking question._

'I want to go home.'

'You can run away and drink yourself under the table to forget about me and the fact that your home is empty or stay here and-'

'And what?' Louis looked at him this time. God, Harry was really beautiful.

'Let me kiss you.' Louis heart skipped a beat ( or a hundred).

'No.' He replied automatically. He was good as being straight.

'Why? Harry mouthed had difficulty not to make it sound like a beg.

'I'm not like…you.' Louis' throat was sore now.

He had so much to deal with, he was torn between trying not to hurt Harry and trying not to give in to what he had imagined... Everything was painful.

'Why are you here then? Why didn't you run away when you had the chance to?'

'Because we are friends.'

'Friends who like to kiss each other.' Harry snorted.

Peering at Louis felt like being 8 and not be able to have the candy you've asked for, like having to peer at a piece of art without never be able to come closer to appreciate its details. It was painful and tiring, so tiring. It had been a week and Harry had already wished a hundred times that the little one would kiss him. Yet Harry had not tried anything for he wanted Louis to do the first step, he wanted him to crave his lips and warmth.

'Quiet. ' Louis whispered.

'Nobody's here.' Harry shook his head, he brought the cigarette to his lips and inhaled deeply, if he was to die at least cancer seemed less painful…

'I don't want us to be heard.'

Harry did not respond, instead he turned around, extinguished his cigarette and put it into the ashtray. He looked through the window, some bats were flying frenetically under the wooden girders of the framework. Harry smile, reckoning how smart those little creatures were, how free they were to fly around during such a quiet and fine night.

'I know what you don't want but what _do_ you want.'

'Stop with this question.' Harry laughed as a response. He and folded his arms, he leant against the counter again.

'Well…sleep tight, my _friend_.'

Louis sighed deeply, stood up and left.

 

Harry waited and waited again. It took precisely 7 minutes and 42 seconds for Louis to come back.

He opened the door, locked it,  went ( not to say ran)  straight to the kitchen to meet Harry. His traits were shaped by burning desire, his eyes were nothing but the proposition of intense love. When Harry saw him he reckoned there was nothing much to say.

 

'Come here.' He whispered.

He cupped Louis' face with his hands but waited for him to do the first step.

'Don't make me.' Louis begged.

'It's okay.' Harry replied sweetly.

 

Harry kissed him tenderly, there was no reason to rush and he knew Louis could use some tenderness. He kissed him with the edge of his lips again and again, he noticed what felt like tears but did not move anyway. Some things needn't an explanation. Louis was totally under his thumb, his eyes were closed, his cheeks redder than a setting sun, his whole body was craving what he had missed his whole life, love.

Harry lead him to his bedroom, they passed the entrance corridor and took the stairs Louis reckoned he had never noticed. The room was as plain as the rest of the house, there was just a bed with white and blue sheets, a night table and a closet.

Louis and Harry's hands split for a second for Harry closed the door, just enough to make Louis crave Harry's warmth even more. The soldier turn around and when burst out of laugh when he saw Louis' face.

'What?'

' You're smitten.' Harry said proudly. Louis faked to be taken aback.

'I'm not. Shut your mouth.' Harry mimicked to seal his lips together and kissed him again. They crashed on the bed Harry on the top.

 

Words could not have described in what state Louis was. It felt like heaven. He was overwhelmed by Harry, almost trapped but it was not weird or uncomfortable like the kind of sex he experienced before. It felt damn good.

Harry took off his shirt and as the sun was still shining, Louis took the chance to peer at his chest. He tried to catch everything so he would remember it later when everything would feel so wrong.

'Take off your shirt.' Harry required. He was bossy, sexy bossy really. Louis nodded and did as told. Harry smirked.

'Stop it.'

'What?' Harry replied amused.

'Peering at me like _that_.' Harry shook his head.

'Because I'm the one to blame now? Look at you. You're drooling.' Louis cheeks reddened even more.

'I thought I told you to shut your mouth?' He said raising his eyebrows. Harry shook his head even more and resumed the kisses, he let his whole body rest on Louis' even though he knew he was heavier.

Against all odds, Louis was the first to take a step further. He unbuttoned Harry's trousers, his hand was trembling. When he reached Harry's cock he urged himself to stop thinking, he told himself at least, a cock was a cock and having a cock himself it was nothing really new. Harry let out a groan and plunged into Louis' palm. His cock was wet and torturingly eager.

Louis lowkey congratulated himself.

 

He started to play with Harry's cock, totally lost on what to do. A cock was a cock, sure, but two men could have completely different way to be satisfied.

He attempted to pump up and down slowly but Harry stopped him.

'Wait.' He muttered completely disoriented. He stood up to take off his trousers and briefs completely. He took off Louis' quite hastily. He bent down against Louis. Skin against skin.

Louis resumed his pumping, he tried to kiss Harry but the latter turned slightly his head and smile, so Louis was supposed to chase him? Fine. He pumped harder just to make Harry react. It worked. Harry turned back his head and kissed Louis.

Louis placed his other hand on Harry's back, his nails hard into his skin, Harry plunged deeper into his palm. They stay like that trying to find the exact angle for them to fit together with no space between until Harry, whose hands had been caressing Louis' hair and face until then, decided to take care of his cock.

Hardly had he touched Louis' cock than the latter rolled his hips to get more friction. Harry muttered ' wait' against his lips, Louis really wanted to wait and experienced everything Harry could do, yet his cock was craving more, his whole body wanted to be relieved from those devastating desires.

'What do you want Lou ?' Harry whispered against his left ear. Louis' head was spinning.

He tried to think about something but all he could think of what Harry's hand down his shaft.

'You' he gulped. Harry kissed his ear gently down to his lips.

'Damn Louis, I could do everything to you.' His words resounded in Louis' head like a promise.

'Fuck me.' Louis begged. He opened his eyes just to see that Harry was peering at him. He was biting his lower lip.

'I reckon you know it'll hurt.' The soldier said caressing Louis' face with his spare hand.

' I kinda figured yeah.' Louis rolled his eyes faking exasperation. He wanted Harry to not hesitate, he wanted him not to care about pain, after all it could not hurt more than the space between them, could it?

'Sure?'

'I trust you.' Louis replied simply not realising how much his words had touched Harry. Finally, after all the ordeals they had been through, all the lies or at least misunderstandings, Louis trusted him. This was something.

Harry kissed him with a rage he did not fathom. Again and Again.

He stopped caressing Louis' cock, lifted his waist to be able to penetrate him. Louis figured he could help and lifted himself higher, he sealed his thighs around Harry's sides.

He immediately felt the pain and whimpered but Harry kept pushing. His thrust was slow and gentle still it hurt like any physical pain he had experienced before. Harry had his head plunged in his neck, he murmured an apology and placed his right hand on Louis' cheek.

Harry began moving back and forth, Louis gripped the soldier harder. He was still quite tight but the more Harry thrust the less it hurt. He let his head fall back again, he clenched Harry's hair, the other hand clenching the cover they had not bother to pull.

'Lou?' Harry muttered into his neck, Louis's whole body shivered at the feel of those soft plump lips against him.

'Hm?' He mouthed with extreme difficulty.

'You okay? You're very silent.' His breath felt hot and cold at once. Louis, despite the pain, smiled.

'You're a moron.' He felt Harry's smile on his skin. Harry kept thrusting slowly, kissing Louis' neck and ear from time to time. After a while it did not hurt anymore and Louis became moaning slightly.

'You like it?' He finally decided to look at Louis.

'I missed your face.' Harry grinned.

'I could live in your neck really.' He kissed him, Louis tried to kiss him back but Harry frowned. ' You like it?'

' Given the pain I thought I wouldn't, but now I do. Now please Hazza, I want- I want your mouth on mine and-'

'And what?' Harry thrust slightly harder. Louis closed his eyes, he was not yet comfortable talking about his sexual desires. It was silly because Harry was literally inside him but if he closed his eyes Harry could not see him, could he?

'You to keep what you're doing.'

' As you _want_ Mr Tomlinson.'

 

Harry put on hand on Louis' hips and secured his knees. He pulled his cock halfway then pushed it back.

'Faster.' Louis moaned, Harry began to rock as told, his hands gripped tighter on Louis' hips. He allowed himself to groaned on the push in when Louis moaned deeply on the pull out.

They danced like that for a while until the pain hit his body again. Harry did not realise it until he pushed once more and heard Louis cried out. Louis tried to speak but Harry, his head back on his neck, muttered a ' I know'.

He stopped to rock and grabbed Louis cock with his right hand. He started to pump fast and rough, it still hurt at first but quickly the pain disappeared and Louis' orgasm hit him suddenly. His body clenched spasmodically, Harry squeezed his arse to rock one last time and came inside him. He let out a long grunt and rolled on Louis' side.

Harry had been quite silent during the whole process therefore Louis was surprised to see and hear him come but he could not bother really. He cupped his face with his own hands and breathed heavily. His head was spinning, every inch of his body was relaxed and his heart was beating exquisitely fast.

Except for his breathing, Louis could have thought Harry was dead. He turned over to look at him. It was pitch dark now so Louis could not see a thing. He caressed his face just to see him differently. He felt that his eyes were closed, his jaw was no longer clenched, his bow was wet and his cheeks were hot.

His edged his lips, they were soft, hot and plum. Suddenly Harry bit him.

'Naughty Hazza.' Harry laughed. He took Louis's hand and kissed it sorry.  'Better.' Louis followed. They stayed like that not willing to fall asleep yet. Louis started to caress Harry's hair with one hand, another caressing his chest gently.

'Do I ever cross your mind?' Harry broke the peaceable silence.

' I wish I could stay with you, right here, just right here, forever. Does it answer your question?'

'Not really.' Harry said amused.

'You always cross my mind.' Louis assured.

'I'm jealous of Helen Lou. I wish I weren't but I am. She has you in ways I could never have you. It drives me crazy. I wish things could be different. In my dreams you're with me. In my imagination we- Damn I can't get my mouth to say the words I want to say to you. It drives me madder.' Harry took Louis' hand on his own and intertwined their fingers.

'I don't want things to be different.' Louis simply stated.

'How come.'

'You have me, in ways, she will never have me. In all the ways, really. And you don't have to say anything.'

'You see the house next to the river we're used to going?'

'Yes?'

'It's my parents' house. Well, I think only my dad and half sister live there. I learnt that he married someone else after Mama died. That's why people don't seem to remember her, she died shortly after coming here. After my father heard about what I was, we did school at home, and after my mom died, it was forbidden for me to go anywhere. I really loved the garden though and no one can go there unless he already knows the place, that's why I was allowed to swim in the river I guess?'

 

'Is Styles your real name?' Louis heard himself ask. He was taken aback.

'My mom's name, no one was supposed to know I was his son. So…But I'm glad I bare her name. She was amazing. I told you he was dead because he means nothing to me anymore. I'm sorry I lied to you.'

'Don't.' He kissed his shoulder.

'get up.'

'Why ?' Louis said quite offensively.

'I'm freezing. Let's go under the covers.' Louis let out a 'oh' and felt stupid, one second he thought Harry would tell him to go home and never come back or worse that the night had been poorly spent.

They cuddled under the covers, Louis' head on Harry's chest.

'If I ask you how you feel, can you answer me honestly?' Harry murmured.

'You just did.'  Louis teased but quickly followed, ' I want to keep certain things for me but you can always try.'

'Do you feel like- you're like me?'

'I do think I am yes.'

'Why didn't you kiss me in the kitchen then?'

'You said one question.'

' Someone's feeling himself tonight, ' tommo the tease'.' Harry mocked. ' Let's sleep.'

 

Louis woke Harry up to make love that night, Louis described it as a raspberry pie even though he knew Harry would make fun of him. In the morning, Harry took him again until noon, this time rough and sloppy, it hurt in heavenly ways.

When Louis left Harry's home it hit him that, yes indeed, life was just three or four memorable moments; that night, when Harry and him had finally sealed their bodies and souls together, the world had moved so slowly  he could have felt his bones shifting, his mind tumbling.  From now one, no matter what would happen for the rest of his life, he would remember every detail of that night forever.

August 23rd 

First I wanted to go back to war for I was dead already, I had nothing left to lose. But then, then I met you and you brought me back to life therefore I wanted to stay, I wanted to live, to live with you.

Suddenly I had a reason to breathe, laugh and smile again. It was you. I owe it all to you. I don't want to die anymore, I want to see your face, every damn day of every damn week of every damn year for the rest of my life.

September 4th

Helen knows.

We had a hell of a time together, I cannot count how many times I just rushed to his house to let him take me on the floor or the kitchen counter. It felt like heaven. He is heaven. Last night, after Harry clocked off I came to his house to garden. We had tea, we kissed and cuddled. Simple as that. No sex whatsoever, I did not know those simple moves could mend my entire soul. Saying that it is just about sex is profoundly untrue. It is about the way he smiles when he knows I look at him and the way he smells after a long day at the garage.

He is able to sleep now, he is outrageously handsome without black spots under his eyes. His knee still aches but he tries to walk as much as possible. There are some part of his past I do not want to know, as well as the content of his nightmares. Niall told me that, sometimes, he starts or feels severely anxious for nothing at work. I think he has panic attacks. I do not think we can do much about it, so Niall usually tells him to go back home or take a break. He told me he is good with cars, I never doubted his skills. Maybe one day, when the war is over, he can open a garage on his own in a big city. There's plenty work for me in those big cities.

 

When I came back home I found her a glass of wine on her hand, already drunk. She  tried to kiss me but I refused. Even now, I could think hide the smile on my face. Harry had just told me we would go fishing in the south someday.

She grabbed my neck and breathed me. After that, she started to cry. She told me I smelled like him. She also told me she knew from the start he was ill but the doctor had told her no one had found a cure yet. Her breath gave me the nausea. She told me that whether he had passed me his disease or I was ill on my own.

In retrospect, I should not have felt this way and I am deeply sorry but I genuinely wanted to hurt her for the words she pronounced. She hit me though, again and again and I did not moved, I cheated on her and I shattered our couple, I deserved that. After a while she sat and just cried more, shouting at me not to get closer so I just stood there and waited for her to say something.

 

She told me that unless I would have a baby with her she would tell the doctor to put Harry and I in the madhouse, like they usually do when they find what we are, people like us are not allowed to be soldiers or policemen nor to have any profession related to communication and children. There is quite no escape.

She told me she did not care about her reputation anymore and telling everyone our secret would not be a problem. She proved me she was ready to do anything to get what she wants. And given the way she acted and the looks she gave me, I trust her.

She asked me about the  kind of relation Harry and I have, I remained silent. I broke her heart. She said that I could not keep talking about green eyes and she knew I was not talking about hers because I never told her how beautiful they were. She told me how Harry was different even though he never told her anything, not to mention what kind of liars we were for Harry was still flirting with Dorothy Frances.  It broke my heart to see her that way, genuinely.

First I thought to run away, but it's war, given my rank I cannot, I would be judged as traitor and killed. I don't think Harry is allowed to go either. I don't know if he is still regarded as a soldier, from now his demons will not allow him to fly away anyway. I will not let myself destroy what he is building. He is on his way to recovery, day in and day out struggling to be in a good state of mind and physical health. He has a part time job now, and even a two or three friends. I will not destroy his new life, I would rather kill myself.

That was my second thought, suicide. But again, God does not allow it. I do not want to die, not now. We planned to go out fishing.

 

My third thought was run to Harry which I did, but he was not here, probably out with Niall and his friends. So now I'm just writing this at 4 in the morning, I cannot sleep in the matrimonial bed anymore. I'm drunken and sad.

September 7th 

I didn't get to see him. After three days, Helen agreed to talk to me again. I think she just lost it the other day, she is calmer now. She wanted to go to London, of course so as to separate me from Harry but the capital has just been bombed. We both agreed it was safer to stay here. The officials spoke at the radio, they do not know if the bombings are going to cease but Londoners should remain strong and alert. It is the first attack on our soil. We really thought we would not be touched. People are more scared than ever and the tension is palpable.

If the situation worsen Helen will have to go to the capital to help the Londoners nurses. From now, I'm not allowed to move, for the city, even as tiny as it is, is the crossroads of some of the fields the government requisitioned. Maybe someday I will have to move, or be replaced and go to war. Only God knows.

September 9th

I need to see Harry.

 

-

'I need to talk to you.' Louis urged, slamming the entrance door. He heard Harry climbing down the stairs.

' No need to destroy my door.' Harry teased while opening the door, his mood instantly changed when he saw Louis. 'Come in.' Louis passed over him and climbed the stairs two by two. He reached Harry's bedroom, which was his home now, he put his diary on the night table before sitting on the bed. He was breathing heavily and scratching the back of his head anxiously.

'What's going on Lou?'

'I'm so sorry.' Louis bent his head, Harry immediately joined him on the bed.

'Look at me. Don't cry. Tell me.'

'She wants a baby, she- told- we're going to be killed if she tells someone.' Louis threw himself on Harry's arms.

'Calm down.' Louis was sobbing so much his chest hurt. 'Louis look at me and calm the fuck down. I'm here okay?'

 

Harry caressed his hair until finally, Louis stopped crying.

' Can you explain everything now?' Harry said gently kissing Louis' forehead.

' Unless I give her a child she will tell the doctor about us. She is willing to let us be as long as she becomes a mother. I wanted to tell you as soon as she lost it but you fucker, were with I don't know who, doing I don't know what in the middle of the night.'

' How did she find out?'

'I'm finally whole.' Louis muttered in Harry's neck, he hold him tighter.

Harry sighted; he was not surprised at all. He could not remember how many stories he had heard from guys like them. Some had disappeared, secretly killed, many had went to war just to escape what their considered to be a flaw to die as heroes. He had never heard about an happy ending where two men would live together without a fuss. This was not possible. Ever. For a second, he thought that everything was over, they would kiss one last time and never speak to each other again.

But then he remembered Patrick and his lover, André. Patrick had been dragged away from the battlefield for his legs were broken. -Wounded soldiers who could have recovered from their injuries would often end up dead, for in the chaos, people would just left them in the mercy of the enemy.-  When Harry found him and thinking that he was dying he told Harry how beautiful and smart André was, how they would spent time together and be happy without any suspicions of their respective wives. So maybe, this was not as bad as it seemed, maybe now that Helen was aware and willingly determined to keep their secret as long as she was a mother, they could have each other.

'Please say something Hazza.'

'Tell her you agree.' Louis immediately stepped back to look at Harry, he was speechless.

'What the hell Harry?!' He pushed him and completely break the embrace.

'Tell her you agree. Give her what she wants, it's the only way.'

'Fuck you.' Louis muttered.

'Louis please, look at me.' He did as told, looked at Harry straight in the eye and  told him to go fuck himself again.  ' You'll be an amazing father, everyone will think of you and Helen as an example of the perfect couple. I know you don't want that life, trust me. I don't want you to have that life, I don't want you to be unhappy but there is no other way. Please Lou, listen to me.'

'Tell me, how could I be happy this way? How could I be happy if every time I come to that place which doesn't feel like home anymore I see a wife I don't love with a son I did not want? How Harry? Fucking tell me how.' He swept his eyes.

' You always wanted a kid.'

'So what?'

'You can have one.'

'You don't understand.' He sighted. Suddenly he felt nauseous.

'How could I NOT understand? Why do you think I've been flirting with Dorothy all this time for? I want us to be together but more than anything I want YOU to be safe for Christ sake. Stop acting as if we had a choice in this situation, we don't. You fucking know that. You want to be killed ? You want to go somewhere people will treat you as an experiment ?'  He passed his hand through his hair and sighted. ' Look at me for Christ sake!' He dragged Louis and forced him to meet his eyes, Louis' face was cupped into his hands but he was trying to liberate himself. ' You'll give Helen what she wants, a kid, or maybe two. I'll ask Dorothy to marry me  and as no one wants to marry her because she is infertile and not really smart she'll say yes. That's it. You'll have a family, call it fake if you want, I'll have a wife and we'll be like any other best mates. That is a reasonable plan.' He finally let him go.

'So we're done.' Louis spat.

'Love is a battlefield Louis.' Harry replied quickly.

'I'm sick of you philosophical phrases.' Louis replied angrily but Harry laughed.

'When this gets old, I will still feel the same, there's no way this will die.' He came closer and caressed Louis' cheek with his thumb. The latter closed his eyes trying hard not to break in tears again. ' What you and I have- damn Louis do I really need to say that? What we have is what feels best. Trust me, in thirty years, if we live that long, you'll be the one to dump me not the opposite.'

Louis sighted deeply, it took all his courage and energy to mouth a reply, ' If you keep saying bullshit like this, you'll be long dead by then.' Harry smiled and pinched Louis' cheek gently. He bent forward and grabbed his face to kiss him.  

They kissed and kissed again until Harry's index found his way to Louis' butt, he began to circled his rim slowly with his middle finger, when the small one moaned, he nudged his finger in his hole all the way to the knuckle, he moaned harder. Harry put another finger in and stretched Louis' hole.

Louis let out a cry, it did not feel good to say the least but it did not prevent him from wanting more.

 

'Please take me.' Louis begged.

 

Harry made Louis fall completely on the bed and took off his trousers and briefs before pulling down his own. Then he took off Louis' tee-shirt to lick his chest, his lips were sloppier than ever. He did not wait before pushing in, all the way to the balls and Louis grunted silently and dragged his lover with his thighs,  now gripping tightly on his hips. It still hurt but Louis persuaded himself that it did not matter, his desire to feel Harry's love was stronger.

Harry pulled his cock out and heard Louis exhaled, a long and deep breath. He pulled in again, deeper and slower this time enjoying the feeling of  the top of his cock slamming Louis' tight hole, his shaft sliding in and out inside Louis to reach his scrotum.  Louis' jaw was clenched, it would not hurt for long he told himself.

Once he got the rhythm, Harry's moves turned into deep thrusts. Both men were breathing heavily and were striving to moan silently. Louis fists were gripped tightly onto the bed sheets his knuckles turning white, Harry found another way to be silent by biting his lover's skin. Now it felt right.

 

They needed to rush, this was a promise, this was stronger than anything they had experienced before and certainly stronger than anything they could possibly ever experience. If Love was a battlefield, this was the most beautiful truce. They needed to rush because words were not enough. Too much could never be enough, really.

 

Harry was thrusting hard when Louis let out a familiar cry, Harry's cock was hitting on his prostate,  a few more thrusts would do. Louis threw back his head and let out a muffled grunt, his thighs violently dragged Harry's body closer.  Harry muffled his groan in the sheets and let his body fall completely on Louis, his head resting on his chest.

' Do you need to go?' Harry asked caressing Louis' arm.  

'Not now. I ran here as soon as she went to work. I need to see Mr. James at 9 though. I was afraid you'd be at work.' Harry's

' I was supposed to.'

'Panic attack?' Harry muttered a yes. 'Something tells me you feel better now.' Louis teased. Harry muttered again, smiling against Louis' chest.

They stayed like that for a while until Louis broke the silence.

'Harry?'

'Hm?'

'I want you to read my diary, then I'll burn it.'

'You should read mine, I need to burn them too.'

'I knew those notes on your desk were about me.' Louis teased while Harry faked exasperation.

'I need to write one more thing because burning my thoughts though.' Louis stated.

'May I ask what?' Harry said sleepily soothed by Louis' caress on his back.

' Something like: ' If my lover is right, and that Love is, indeed, a battlefield, we'll win the war.' '


End file.
